On the Twelfth Day of...

December 12, 2012.  In other words, 12-12-12.  What a fun day!  I love days like this and I find strange ways to celebrate them.  Recap:
09-09-09 - First year of college.  Watched 9 episodes of my favorite TV show.  Lame, I know, but I was young and dumb and couldn't think of anything cooler!
10-10-10 - First serious boyfriend.  Visited a romantic lake and held hands.  Then, we cuddled on the couch and made wishes while we danced together later at 10:10 on 10-10-10.  I wished that I wouldn't break his heart and that we could still be friends.  I'm pretty sure that he wished that he could marry me after his mission...he wouldn't tell me though, because of the whole "If I tell you, it might not come true" thing.  I guess I'll never know for sure.  Two years later, it looks like we're at least friends.  Sort of.
11-11-11 - I got together with 3 of my closest friends and we drank hot chocolate while sitting on my front porch all bundled up.  We each wrote a list of eleven wishes, and at 11:11 on 11-11-11, we made all 11 wishes.  I also had mailed a letter to The First that was filled with glitter and shiny confetti  - you know, typical wish-type stuff haha - and told him to make eleven wishes because it was the luckiest day of the whole century.  I was so obviously still in love with him.  Oh dear.

12-12-12 - That is, today.  My dad asked for ideas of things to do for this special day, so I came up with the following list:
12 Things To Do on 12-12-12:
1. Eat a dozen donuts
2. Buy a dozen roses
3. Scramble a dozen eggs
4. Listen to the 12 Days of Christmas song (the Straight No Chaser version is fun)
5. Write 12 fun facts about 2012 in your journal (can be world events, personal achievements, whatever, really)
6. Read or watch Cheaper by the Dozen
7. Write a journal entry with 12 goals for yourself
8. Watch Multiplication Rock (The Schoolhouse Rock songs, you know!) about 12 - it's called "Hey Little 12 Toes"
9. Read 12 verses from the 12th book in the Book of Mormon for your scripture study
10. Go on a roundtrip drive that is exactly 12 miles long
11. Buy something from aisle 12 of a grocery store
12. At 12:12 on 12-12-12, make 12 wishes.

I love making lists.  But sadly, I did not do everything on this list!  I'm so ashamed!  I don't have a car, so no trip for me.  And I could never eat 12 donuts and 12 eggs.  That's crazy!  And I'm a poor college student, so a dozen roses are pretty much not happening.  BUT.  The thought counts, and if I had the means (and the friends to help me with the food items), I would TOTALLY have done all of these things!  Anyway.  The point is, it's a great day, and I totally documented it here.  Forever engraved on the internet is proof that I took note of this historic 12-12-12!  :)


This post's title came from this song:
The Twelve Days of Christmas as sung by Straight No Chaser

I'm Ready, I Am

Two years ago, I was dating a guy who told me that he wanted to marry me.  We'll call him The First from here on out, because he was my first boyfriend.  I told him that he wasn't the one, and that he had never been the one...and I admit that I was very harsh.  The friendship was damaged, the relationship was ruined, and it ended very dramatically, with lots of tears.  I was depressed for months, although I didn't really recognize that I was depressed for a while.  And logically, I shouldn't have been so depressed over a break up with someone whom I couldn't see myself with in the long term, right?  Well, come on!  He was my first boyfriend!  And although I told him he wasn't the one, and we tried to work through our issues after that and make things okay between us, which never really worked out, and although he finally made the last move and broke up with me...I was still torn up over my first failed relationship.  And I have only recently come to accept the finality of it.  I am finally ready to let go of the heartache that I've been harboring for two years.  I am finally ready to TRULY say, "Okay, you were wonderful and taught me so much.  We learned what we needed to from each other.  We are over, we will never get back together and I wish you the best in your future.  Good luck and goodbye."  I'm ready.  I am!

Confession: This kid has a few months left of his mission.  He and I have written some throughout the course of his mission.  Some letters are better than others.  The second to last one I received was so incredible and positive and I was certain that there was no animosity left between us.  I wrote him back and then I received this last letter, which was short and surface level.  Very different.  So I forced myself to get over it, get over him, and just LET IT GO.  I don't think I will be writing him again.  We were meaningful in each other's lives a while ago, but that time is behind us, and we are different people now.  We lead separate lives, as we should.  This is the end.  And I'm finally relinquishing my grasp on the idea of a hoped-for reunion with him in April.  Really.  I am.

So let's generalize this, shall we?  When it's over, it's over.  Let it go.  Move on.  Don't try to keep fixing things, because chances are, you'll feel more empty than ever when your attempts don't turn out the way you wanted them to.  Relationships are difficult, and terminated ones are included in that category.  But with time, wounds and heartaches heal, and with some determination, you will be ready to move on.


This post's title came from this song:
I'm Ready, I Am by the Format

Up All Night, Like This

Oh One Direction.  How well you put into words the feelings of the young people!  They don't have a whole lot on their minds, other than having the most incredible time with their friends, finding a significant other (or at least a little loving for the moment), dancing like there's no tomorrow, and proclaiming their invincibility by staying up all night long.  Perfect.

I have to admit that when I heard this song, I longed for the days of my youth, when I was convinced that I was indestructible and I was certain that I would be young and vibrant FOREVER.  Surprise!  I've come to terms with reality and I feel like I am much older now, even though I'm only separated from their age group by a few years.  I love being in bed by 10:30.  I love having small group gatherings vs. the large party atmosphere.  I want to settle down and get some stability in my life.  I hate staying up all night now, but I remember my obsession with it two years ago.  I don't have as much fun at dance parties as I used to, but it was less than a year ago when I threw a raging dance party for my birthday.  What is happening to me?

I never thought I'd be the sort that was nostalgic for my high school days, but once in a while, I find myself wishing that i was my 17-year-old self and that I had infinite amounts of energy again and a giant group of friends and too many crushes to count and skyrocketing amounts of self-confidence.  Turns out, that today is one of those days.  One Direction, enjoy your all-nighters while you still can.  And while you're at it, enjoy them for me too, the girl who became a boring adult without even recognizing it.


This post's title came from this song:
Up All Night by One Direction

I Might Be OK, But I'm Not Fine At All

Tonight is a night for reminiscing.  I sometimes think that I should call this blog "Reminiscences and Nostalgia" because there's a lot of that going on here.  I just bought T. Swift's new album "Red" and haters can hate, but I am in love with it.  I think it's because of her lyrics - the way she phrases things just makes sense to me.  I can relate to everything that she's saying.  And I feel it in my heart...like literally, I am so caught up in my own memories that deal with the stuff she's talking about that I started crying while I listened to this album.  It was a little bit ridiculous.

I just can't let go of the past.  I have tried and tried to relinquish my grasp on the past and on the wonderful friendships and relationships of the past, but I always return to them.  They were happier and simpler times.  I was naïve and innocent and I trusted that people would love me and treat me with kindness, respect, and love.  I had hope that I would find true love.  I had hope that my friendships would stay golden forever.  I had an idea in my head of what my life would be like...

Now I'm a jaded little wreck.  I'm angry and I don't want to be.  I hate that I dated a kid who struggled with SSA, because I feel like he ruined me for me and ruined me for all the future potential relationships I could have.  I'm broken.  I'm mad at him for doing that to me.  I'm mad that people can fake affection and get away with it.  I'm mad that boys flirt with me so that they can win me over and then get to my roommates or friends through their connection with me.  I'm mad at girls who disobey the girl code.  I'm angry that people can be so mean to me and not feel a shred of remorse.  I'm mad that I can't be more assertive.  I wish I could stand up for myself and gracefully and kindly tell people that they can't treat me badly.  I am mad that boys think they can charm me into doing anything they want me to.  I'm angry that my advisors and instructors can be so clueless and get paid for it.

I wish that I could just be with my old friends and that we could all connect in the way that we used to. I wish that I could go back to my happy relationships and re-live that rush and excitement that comes only from a new relationship.  I wish I was truly fine and that I could make my present as satisfying as the past was.

"I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it."  I was better then.  I need to make myself into something that tops that old wonderful self.  I need to stop trying to recreate the past and make something of the present that is just as amazing.  I can't do that until I let myself fully be a part of what is going on RIGHT NOW.  I just have to do it.  And maybe then I'll be OK and fine.


This post's title came from this song:
All Too Well by Taylor Swift

I've Been Through My Sketchy Phases

I have a roommate who just admitted to me the other day that she is bulimic.  She said that she feels like it is the one area of her life over which she can exert control.  I think this is just sad and crazy.  This girl works out hardcore every single day.  She is a vegetarian and eats really healthily.  She's skinny as a stick, and yet she struggles with an eating disorder.  I don't get it.  I've been through my sketchy phases where I've had an extremely poor self-image and I get obsessed with losing weight and looking beautiful.  But that's just it - they were phases, not a lifestyle.  She's taken something and turned it into a lifestyle.  And what's more, she's trying to justify it by claiming it is the only way she can be in control of some part of her life.

You know what I think?  I think she needs counselling and help.  Yes, it's important to feel like you are in charge of your life, but it is more important to treat your body with respect.  It is a gift from our Father in Heaven; it is our temple, it is not a vessel to desecrate.  And eating disorders are harming the beautiful miracle of a human body.  She is probably stuck in her mindset, which will take work to get out of.  Isn't this just so sad?  And also, being in control of your life...well, I feel like yes, we are in control to a degree, but ultimately, God is guiding us along, providing us with the necessary experiences, obstacles, and blessings that we need.  So are we ever truly in charge?

I don't have the answers on what to say or how to handle this gracefully.  Don't I wish I did?  Anyways, since I have promised to be truthful, here is the real scoop straight from my brain:

When she admitted to being bulimic, it made me more frustrated with her than I already am.  She's pretty and has the body that every girl dreams of.  She's stylish and smart.  But maybe not so smart...  I was already frustrated with her because she and my sister are all buddy-buddy and leave me out of things.  When my sister moved in with me, I thought it would be the epic era of the sisters, reunited.  It's turned into my sister and roommate having an epic era.  I feel like she's taken my sister (and friend) from me.  And in case you didn't know, I've endured a lot of discontinuations of friendships.  In other words, I have no friends right now whom I can truly confide in.  I thought my sister could become my confidante.  But no.

I need to stop being so selfish and just let it all go.  People all have their own struggles and trials and are just trying to make it through this life the best they can.  My roommate is included in that.  I attended a special fireside at which Elder David A. Bednar answered questions that we, as young single adults, had.  It was great.  What I got, generally, from his counsel and advice was to turn out - stop being so concerned with myself and focusing in on ME.  The Savior always turned out and helped others constantly.  He was entirely selfless.  I want to be like him, therefore, I need to act like him.  So instead of thinking about how upset I am, and how lonely I am, and how ugly I am, and how stressed I am, or WHATEVER, I need to start thinking about others and what I can do to help them.  So roommate, you will get no chastisement from me, only listening ears and sincere attempts at kindness.  You lucky dog.


This post's title came from this song:
Crazy Beautiful Life by Ke$ha

The Fundamental Things Apply

Relationships!  Relationships!  Relationships!  This is a topic that has been on my brain.  So here - some of my thoughts:

We pursue relationships with people who we feel match our own level of attractiveness.  Simply put, pretty people are more likely to date pretty people and ugly people...well, you get it.  Everyone wants to feel evenly matched because it brings a sense of security and equality.

In relationships, girls want to feel safe and pretty, and boys want to feel strong and brave.  When he tries to make her feel safe and pretty, and she tries to make him feel strong and brave, the relationship goes much smoother.  You can do this through compliments or listening to their concerns and responding to their needs appropriately, or a myriad of other ways.  Get creative.

When you are in a relationship, be prepared to temporarily lose some friends.  Maybe this is only how it works for girls, but when she gets a boyfriend, we kind of back off and let her be with him.  And we go do our own thing.  Generally.  Unless you're that annoying girl who always wants to be the third wheel for some unexplainable reason.  But that aside, if you get dumped or need girl time, we will be there in a heartbeat!

I mentioned this the other day, but in relationships between men and women, the guys will do the emotional part to get the physical, and the girls will do the physical to get the emotional.  Do each other a favor and engage in both parts - then both parties are happy.  Even if you don't want to, just consider it like a compromise.  And that's what relationships are about, right?  Giving selflessly and helping each other to be happy?

I promised to keep this post light, so that is all for right now.  Coming up next...?  What do you do when your roommate has an eating disorder?



This post's title came from this song:
As Time Goes By (as sung by Barbara Streisand)

Mmmm...What'd You Say???

As I was thinking about this blog the other night, I realized that I need to start spewing some truth and reality, since that was sort of the reason that I even started this blog in the first place.  I want to comment on life as I see it.  The truth from my viewpoint.  I'm not saying that I've ever lied on this blog, but I have given a lot of personal anecdotes that are not generally applicable (in the field of psychology, if it is not able to be generalized, then it does not have external validity, just FYI.  Oh yes, school has started, did I mention?), and if you can't take something away from this, then it's just a boring autobiography.  Verity and reality from where I'm standing - it could possibly be the same view from wherever you are.  So let's get real, yeah?

First of all, I stumbled onto a blog the other night that was written by a house of LDS girls.  They were anonymous, which provided them a façade to hide behind as they dished the scoop on guys, girls, dating, and life.  They mentioned a blog that I went and checked out, which was a blog written by a house full of LDS guys.  And that is where I got caught in a mental doldrum, so to speak, because I just couldn't stop thinking about this blog and what these guys said.  I was stuck in my head.  These guys, also writing anonymously, didn't hold back anything.  I am so bothered by the unfiltered truthfulness, because, as I found out, the truth can be nasty (and crass and vulgar and rude).  Which brings me to my post today.  All of this is in general terms, ok?  Meaning that there will be exceptions and outliers, but basically, the following is true of the general population.

Okay, I know that men think about sex a lot.  They objectify women, even if they don't mean to.  They have voracious physical appetites, and sometimes, their appetite for physical intimacy is what drives them, rather than logic, feelings, or reason.  I know all this, so why did this one blog bother me so much?  Maybe because it gave me an inside look at EXACTLY what LDS guys my age are thinking and doing - and a lot of what they think about and do deals with physical intimacy.  And sometimes they seemed apologetic for their slutty man behavior (as slutty as you can get while not going all the way), but sometimes, they seemed like they were bragging about how far they got with a girl.

I am not going to waste a post chastising them.  Hello Molly Mormon!  I am going to use this post to state the following:

• Girls enjoy being physical too - why do guys get as far as they do?  More often than not, the girl enjoys the physical, but it is a means to an end - they want the physicality to lead to an emotional connection - generally accomplished through conversation.  For guys, the physical intimacy is the end, and the emotional connection part is the means to that end.  Simply put, guys do the emotional to get the physical, girls do the physical to get the emotional.
• Either party can feel used and cheapened in a physical interaction.
• We know what is right and wrong as members of the church.  We make mistakes.  We know we can try to rectify those mistakes and be forgiven by God and those we've wronged.  This is all done through the atonement of Jesus Christ.  And forgive me for going a little preachy here, but bragging about how close you were to breaking one of God's laws mocks the Savior's sacrifice.  We're not competing, and if we think we are, we need to reevaluate what our end goal really is.  It's not how far you got with someone physically, but what you are doing in your life to draw closer to Christ and become more like him.  Which one is going to get you to the celestial kingdom?
• It is hard to control physical appetites.  Satan wants to ruin the family unit, and if he can cause us to go too far before marriage, he has succeeded.  So be careful.
• Everyone wants to feel loved.  We all want to be part of a happy and romantic relationship.  Whether we want it for the physical perks or the feelings of security or WHATEVER, there is something we need to remember about relationships: It is not just about one person.  There are two people involved, and it is in the selfless sacrifice and service for the other that we will find the success we all desire.  Physicality can only take you so far.

Maybe this doesn't feel very connected, but this is everything that has been spinning around in my head since I stumbled on those blogs.  Heavy, yeah?  Lighter happier post next time, I promise.


This post's title came from this song:
Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap

Yeah! I'm Gonna Live Forever

"I feel alive!  Yeah!  I'm gonna live forever!"  Remember the days of being a teenager when you felt completely immortal and inconquerable?  I can't believe I was in that mindset only three short years ago!  Now I just like to wear buns in my hair, and glasses on my face (although mine don't have lenses, since I don't REALLY need glasses...) and embrace my impending old age.  Ha!  I do forget things quite frequently these days though...so either I'm old, or I just have too much going on in my life (and therefore in my brain) to keep track of it all.  Oh yeah.  Let's def go with the latter!  I don't want to be old!  I want to be youthful and vibrant and full of energy all the time!  I remember feeling like that in high school and in my freshman year of college.  But I feel like life is jading me and making a cynic of me...making me lose my enthusiasm for everything, because a lot of things in life are just smoke and mirrors.  FOR EXAMPLE: the girls at church (clearly, I'm talking about my old ward, because my new ward is AMAZING and I love the relief society in it).  They are totally unreal!  They think they are in a fashion show each Sunday.  They change their personalities and interests to match those of the boy they are most recently interested in.  They hide their true selves, showing only the bits that they think will lure the guys to them.  OH MY GOSH.  Hasn't anyone ever told these girls that the most attractive thing is to just be yourself, be content with yourself, and have confidence in yourself?  People can see through the façades, you know!  Or some people can.  Ok, but I'm clearly on a tangent here.  I was trying to make the point that I feel like an old maid lots of the time, when I'd rather be the youngster gallavanting around with the cute and stylish set of friends.  What is with this most recent group of incoming college freshman???  Why are they all so darn trendy and hip and cool?  I KNOW that my college freshman class was nowhere near as cool and put-together-looking as these fresh high school graduates!  Oh to be young and to actually care about being trendy!  I don't care about the trends anymore, so much as the looking nice.  Did you know that being trendy is not the same thing as being stylish?  You can watch pretty much any episode of "What Not To Wear" and they will tell you that.  So where was I going with this post?  Summation:  I feel old.  I envy the young girls and their enthusiasm for life.  I sometimes wish I was trendy, but then I remember that being trendy is not always as great as being stylish.  Wow.  I sound like a completely shallow airhead.  Judgers can judge.  Haters can hate.  I'm going to work on feeling inconquerable.


This post's title came from this song:
Barlights by Fun.

Pictures Only Prove You Can't Convince

So let me vent about this:  After someone who meant a lot to me leaves my life, and they go and put all of these pictures of themselves doing fun things up on Facebook, I always think, "Oh goody for you.  Look at the great time you are having...without me.  Look how happy you are...without me.  I don't need you either!"  Only slight sarcasm.  But I just don't take pictures of myself having a great time and put them up on FB.  Partly becuase I never remember to take pictures until AFTER the fact.  And partly because my idea of a great time (during my initial recovery stage, you know, post-loss) is doing crafts, or baking, or taking leisurely walks, or reading my favorite books, or practicing my musical talents...and how would that look if I just took a bunch of pictures of myself doing all these kind of humdrum things?  Wacky.  That's how it would look.  And also sad and desperate.  And no one likes to be around depressed people who are just dying for someone to validate them.  So I validate myself!  And a good (although probably catty) way for me to do that is to say to those people (in my head, of course) "'Pictures only prove you can't convince.'  And if you have to post bunches of pictures of yourself doing all these great things, then you are insecure with where you are at.  Me?  I am so stable, secure, and fine with where I'm at in my life, that I don't even feel the need to publicly document it.  Eat your heart out."  Isn't this silly and juvenille?  And also not true?

I admit it!  Here on this silly blog, this silly wall of virtual graffiti as it was once insensitively termed, I admit that I want to have pictures of myself doing fun things with really cool people.  But more than pictures, I want the EXPERIENCES.  And getting to a point where I feel confident enough to seek out those experiences is a really tough endeavor.  When people leave me, I feel sad, and I always question my worth as a person, thinking "I must be very easy to leave behind.  People are never sad to leave me."  Of course, this is a fallacy.  I mean, come on, the Extrovert cried with me when we said goodbye for the last time.  Crying is a big deal for guys, and I felt like he loved me just as much as I loved him.  It was difficult for both of us.  So I obviously need to stop catastrophizing and just tell myself that I have worth.  Because I do.  But just trying to build my self-esteem back up is quite a process, is the point.  And that's the stage that I'm in right now - finding my self-confidence again and making it work for me.  And good riddance to all of those people who left me behind without a second thought.  They don't deserve me.


This post's title comes from this song:
Inches and Falling by the Format

It's a Small World After All...

Why does it seem like all the people that I love and who are dear to me always leave my life, and the people who I don't get along with (and don't really like) seem to weasel themselves into every aspect of my life???  This is NOT FAIR!  I mean, this girl from my past - who was flakey, spineless, timid, and overall just boring as hell - has come up twice in random ways over the past few weeks.  As in, she is the ex-girlfriend of someone who multiple people think would be a good match for me (but I'm thinking, how could we ever be a good match???  He has terrible taste in women!), and now, one of the boys that I'm very drawn to and whom I spend a good deal of time with (or at least we did in the past, back before studying for the LSAT took over his spring semester) just let me know that she is his co-counselor at EFY.  Gag me.  And I know he wanted me to be excited about that, but I was just like (in my head, of course), "Good luck not getting BORED TO DEATH this week!"  And also, what if she ensnares him using her feminine wiles (because maybe she's not boring to the opposite sex)!  Then she'll be all I hear about from him, and she'll prob be here in the picture, and I'll have to deal with her in person.  Ruh-tarded.  Oh wow.  Just look at how my mind blew that one out of proportion.  That's called catastrophizing.  I've been known to do it frequently.  Went into therapy for having negative thought patterns like that - they lead to depression.  Oh geez.  I don't want to be depressed again.  I just want to be HAPPY!!!  Can't all of these distasteful people just stay out of my life?  Why does it have to be such a horrible small world?????


This post's title came from this song (obvious though it may seem):
It's a Small World from the Disneyland Ride

Always Love

So tonight I'm missing my missionary.  You know...the post about missionaries and how waiting for them to come home is so difficult and sometimes so sad?  Yeah, that was about him.  The Extrovert, as I will hereafter call him.  What a kid.  We had a two week whirlwind romance after being good friends for 2 years.  And then he left on his mission, just as things were starting to click in a romantic way for us.  Blah.  And tonight, my voicemail reminded me that I need to clean out my box by playing some possible messages I could delete - among them were two from him that I kept specifically so that I could replay them and listen to his voice.  And I know that this is incredibly sappy...but I totally listened to them both multiple times tonight, just so I could feel close to him again.  I miss him SO much.  But he still has 10 months left of his mission.  And there is no guarantee that things will even happen between us once he is home.  And he and I are not very good at writing letters to each other...I wrote him a few and then I got a 3 page letter entirely in SPANISH.  Thank you so much (sarcasm, okay?).  I love that I heard from him.  I hate that I had to have help translating it.  It made it so much less intimate.  Which maybe was the point.  But I love his voice.  I love his hands and I can still see them in my mind's eye (maybe a weird thing to love, but his hands were so capable of work and calloused, yet gentle and tender with me).  I love how he makes everything feel like an adventure and how it's always fun with him.  I love how he led out and asked me on the dates, and asked if we could do scripture study together, and how he was so unafraid to be the male - a TRUE, stereotypical, dominant male - in the relationship.  I love that he loved the Lord, the gospel, and the church so much that he gave up two years of his life, devoting that time to spreading and sharing what he loved.  I love that he always made me feel precious and beautiful, overlooking my physical flaws and tenderly helping me correct my personality flaws I was working on.  I love how he couldn't wait to see me each day.  I love that he wanted me just as much as I wanted him.  Or at least that's the way it seemed.  Now I just don't know.  I want so much to have a shot with him again.  I want to be with him.  And hearing his voice again tonight just made me want that so much more.  Will I always love this boy?  Or will this, too, pass?  And more importantly, will he ever love me back?


This post's title comes from this song:
Always Love by Nada Surf

I'm Learning to Breathe

Things I'm Learning Lately:

• People make mistakes.  They can be mean, heartless, dumb, clueless, careless, selfish, etc.  But they're experiencing life and trying to handle it the best they can.  It doesn't always mean that they do a good job of it.  But they have their agency and therefore, they have the opportunity to CHOOSE what they do and how they act (and react).  And sometimes they choose something that ends up being a mistake.  Hopefully they're learning from it.  And hopefully I am too.
• I have a friend, let's call him The Lawyer (he's studying to be a lawyer), and he hates raisins and cucumbers.  He said that they ruin all the food they touch - as in, if there's a raisin is in a cinnamon roll, you can pick it out, but the roll will still taste raisiny.  Or if you have a sub sandwich with cucumbers, you can get rid of the cucumbers, but the taste of them lingers on.
• Gay boys don't enjoy heterosexual physicality like straight boys do.  What a giant, "DUH!" moment.  But they are desensitized and immune to the light and inquisitive feminine caresses.  The normal and natural styles of physical touch that belong to each sex usually compliment one another (i.e., men like the smooth light traces of women's hands on them, and women enjoy the hard ruggedness of men's bodies and how they are a bit more forceful in their handling of her).  This is not so when you are dealing with a homosexual boy.  Perhaps it is not so in straight boys either, but I've yet to encounter a situation that backs that up.
• Going running every morning has a very small impact on weight loss.  It does, however, help boost metabolism and helps to get endorphins (the feel good hormones) flowing.
• Sometimes even the best of us are just going through the motions.  We all have times where we are just trying to cope and make it through the day.  Going through the motions isn't an invitation to judge or think less of people and their motives, it's an opportunity for us to reach out and connect with our fellow human beings, make sure they're ok, and offer some selfless service.  And if I'm the one who's just going through the motions, I know now, that the sensation will pass if I make the gospel my #1 priority.
• Spraying soapy water on the soil of your indoor plants will get rid of any pesky gnats.
• If you have a piece of jewlery that is turning your skin green, just paint a clear coat of nail polish over it to solve the problem!
• I dislike people who act like they're 12 when they are really 25...maybe it has something to do with their constant seeking for attention, which is usually just so OBNOXIOUS. 
• The Dougie is more complex than they let on, but I'm totally going to get it.
• I am oblivious to subtle flirtatious cues.  Or perhaps, because I always speak and interact in a rather flirtatious manner,  I'm just so used to them that I can't pick up on them or discern them any more.  Nah.  I think I'm just oblivious.  And while ignorance generally is bliss...sometimes I wish I'd be a little quicker on the uptake and make something happen...because there might be even greater bliss on that flip side.

This post's title comes from this song:

Learning to Breathe by Switchfoot

Let's Make a List...

Making lists is actually one of my favorite things to do.  So I'm going to share one of my many lists with you.

Fun/Romantic things to do in the summertime:

• Run through sprinklers
• Make popsicles (and then eat them!)
• Draw with sidewalk chalk - leave fun messages all over your friends' driveways!
• Play ultimate frisbee in the evenings (great group date!)
• Have a water balloon fight
• Have a water gun fight
• Make smoothies; put them in pretty goblets, put a drink umbrella in them, use fun colored straws; have a contest to see who can make the most delicious smoothie
• Go swimming (it can be in a lake, a pool, a river, WHATEVER!)
• Have a barbeque; make it a potluck sort of deal to cut down on costs
• Take a camping trip to someplace in the mountains (where it's not so hot).  Go with your family or with your friends - but make sure it's not ONLY you and your significant other, because then, you're just asking for trouble!
• Go fishing
• Eat watermelon on your front porch, then have a seed-spitting contest - who can get their seed to go the farthest?
• Jump on the trampoline with a sprinkler on underneath
• Watch your favorite movie from your childhood
• Make a music video that involves dancing and splashing around in fountains (remember Hilary and Haylie Duff's "Our Lips Are Sealed" vid?).  Add laundry detergent if you feel brave.
• Go to a baseball game
• Go to a carnival
• Watch Phineas and Ferb - the ultimate summer show!  Also, it's hilarious.  :)
• If you live in a relatively rural area, lay on a trampoline and look at the stars at night
• If you live in the city, find a hill or mountain or tall building, go up to the top, and then check out all the night lights

This post's title came from this song:

The First Single by the Format

Say Anything, But Say What You Mean

Lying.  One of the most destructive things that we can do.  Yet we all do it.  I had a little run in with some pretty detrimental lies the other night.  I am kind of upset about it still, even though it really shouldn't be as big of a deal as I am making it.

Why couldn't we just be truthful?  Why do we feel the need to filter and give half-truths and hold back our real selves?  Why can't people just accept us for who we are?  Maybe it is because we don't know who we are, and in the process of figuring it out, we are trying to self-preserve via façades and such.  But here's the deal:  I need truth and honesty.  I was being honest that night, and it was not well-received.  And then, in return, I got something that may or may not be true.  And what really bothers me is that if you care enough about someone, you want to be honest with them...that's why I was trying to be honest...but obviously, I don't quite make the cut on the other end.  I seriously need to extricate myself from these ridiculous situations that I keep getting into.

Types of lies:

• The jokey one where you end up with a hilarious prank afterwards
• The one where you preserve someone's blissful ignorance for just a little longer
• The outright one where you deny your true feelings on a matter
• The deceitful one where you purposely want to keep someone in the dark regarding a serious matter that should be brought to light
• The "I'm fine" one you tell your ex-boyfriend when you hang out post-breakup for the first time and find it to be pretty emotionally draining
• The unspoken one where you cover up your wrongful actions by just never talking about it or bringing it up

There are plenty more types of lies, but why delve into them?  There's millions of ways to deceive people, but I don't want to be like that.  I want honesty to reign supreme!  I want that to pay off someday!  I want people to appreciate my honesty and not throw it hatefully back in my face.  And remember the 13th Article of Faith...?  "We believe in being honest, true..."  And so I intend to be, regardless of the consequences.


This post's title came from this song:
Suspension by Mae

All Over Again

Sometimes I am dumb.  Here is a list of reasons why I should let the boy go (I already broke up with him, but mentally and emotionally releasing him is proving to be a real challenge.  Blah!).  Ready?

• He told me that blogs are graffiti with punctuation after I confessed this blog to him
• He does not value the church or the gospel the way I do or as much as I do...or if he does, he does not really show it.
• He has a shady past - which I know that forgiveness is real and important, but there are certain things that people bring with them, no matter what...and some of those things he brings would truly be detrimental to a functioning and healthy relationship
• I feel like he rarely hears what I am telling him...this seems to be a problem for both of us...
• He accused me of not listening to him, even though I have spent a great deal of time staying up through the night into the early hours of the morning with him, just talking through his issues and trials.  He said, "I never know if what I say to you is just going to fall through the cracks."  I took that one really hard; it felt very cruel to me, especially since I lost so much sleep to be with him and help him...and he basically brushed all the effort, time, and the selflessness that it took for me to forgo what was best for me (sleep, so that I could function in school and at work) aside.
• He doesn't ask about major things that I've told him I will be dealing with - like tests, events at work, trips I take...  I feel like that is him saying my life is unimportant to him.
• When I asked him why he was drawn to me, the answers were not the reasons I was hoping for - I want him to be drawn to my light, my testimony, my happiness, my crazy silly streak...I don't know.  He liked me because we had fun dance parties together and because I was beautiful (which, I wish he would have told me when he thought I looked nice...), and those are really the only reasons that I can remember.  Isn't that just sad?
• I never felt like I could be COMPLETELY open and honest with him, especially when it came to expressing my needs.  I just let most of my needs go unmet, because I was afraid to voice them to him; I knew he would reject me and deny me.

I don't really want to think of all the other reasons.  Why am I lisitng this out?  Because I am trying to convince myself to stay clear of him.  We went to a talent show the other night together - he sang and I played the piano for him - and at the end of the night, he dropped me off and gave me a hug...and I held on for just a moment too long to have it be a platonic and neutral hug.  He's wondering what's going on, and so am I.  I was sure I was over it, ready to let go...but not quite yet.  So we begin the "flirt, no we can't date, flirt, date, breakup" cycle all over again...unless my logic can win out this time.



The post's title came from this song:
All Over Again by Big Time Rush

But What If I Need You...?

Ashley Tisdale sings a song called "What If" and I have to say that right about now I am in awe of how well she nailed the way I'm feeling.  Observe the lyrics:

"What if I need you, baby?  Would you even try to save me?  Or would you find some lame excuse to never be true?  What if I said I loved you?  Would you be the one to run to?  Or would you watch me walk away without a fight?  What if I need you?"

So in the very beginning, I told the boy straight up that I was afraid of needing him too much.  To which he replied, "Jess.  Did you ever think that maybe I need you too?"  Which I hadn't thought of.  But now...now I find myself in this place where I need him too much, and he can't meet my needs, and I can't meet his, and the relationship is terminated anyways, so we can't even TRY to meet each other's needs anymore anyways.  It's ultra ruhtarded.  Too much need in one relationship, I guess.  And the other lyrics are semi-applicable, but I don't want to write a novel about that right now.  I just feel NEEDY today and I wish that there was someone I could turn to who could fulfill all the needs I'm experiencing right now!  I need (or think I need): a hug, a passion-filled kiss, an assurance that I am beautiful and NOT a fatty-fatty-no-friends, a good long cuddle sesh, a night out on the town whilst looking incredibly glamorous, a long chat, and someone to hold me tight.

I admit it!  I am missing the relationship!  And the boy, too.  I am in the post-breakup slump.  The singles' slump.  It won't last forever - because being single can be fun sometimes! - but it is here and has been lingering all day.  BLAH!!!  Gotta shake this!



This post's title came from this song:
What If by Ashley Tisdale

I Can't Tell What Kind of Life I've Led Today

Ever get the feeling that you're in a stagnant state of being?  I'm feeling that way today.  I go on Facebook today (probably my first mistake) and see all these pictures and posts of my friends getting married, engaged, and graduating from college.  I'm thinking..."Wow.  How boring and unproductive am I?"  I am officially in a stagnant and BORING stage of life.  I feel like I am busy ALL THE TIME...but with what???  I seriously cannot even answer that question!

Maybe I'll take this summer to do NOTHING.  Stop being busy.  Find some time to really prioritize.

You know, I've been joking with my friends that I am going to spend the summer as a social recluse.  But sadly, it's not REALLY a joke.  All of my friends are moving away and going off being productive this summer - doing internships, traveling to cool places for their job, greeting their returned missionaries and probably becoming engaged (THE ENGAGEMENTS NEVER END!!!!!!!!!), going on missions, doing summer school, working in research labs, etc. etc. etc.  And I am going to....????????  Yes.  Sit in my room and watch telenovelas and eat countless boxes of Mike & Ikes.  And go to work, let's not forget my great job at ASU - I really do like it, but it's not prepping me for my desired career.............  Anyways.  Part of me is actually quite looking forward to being freed from social obligations.  Because yes, I often do see them as obligations, rather than opportunities.  But at the same time, I am immensely sad and disgusted with what my life will be.  It's this weird love/hate thing I've got going on.

And today, I feel like my life is trés pathetic with no foreseeable remedy.

Oh.  Did I mention that I went through with it and broke up with the boy?  I did.  And it was sad.  And I cried A LOT.  And he took it so well and was SO nice and swore to me we'd still be friends.  And I want to be his friend.  I also want to believe that I left him better than I found him...but I don't think that I did that.  And that is what bothers me the most.  That is probably one of the biggest contributors to my lack of self-esteem and this negative life review moment that I'm having.

Oh relationships!  How you vex me!



This post's title came from this song:
Ha Ha by Mates of State

Till I Forget About You

Let's talk about this:  oxytocin.  The bonding hormone.  I'm certain that it is responsible for making break-ups so difficult.  I hate it right now.  I really do.  I have to break up with the boy who I decided I wasn't going to date, but somehow found myself dating...and I keep crying about it, even though in the end, I know that I don't REALLY want to date this boy - it has just been easy to go along with, and as I've gone along with it, it has become very enjoyable...and now, here I am, in the clutches of oxytocin, with my logic and reason fighting valiantly for their victory.  This boy is not what I am looking for ultimately in a marriage, so why should I waste our time?  I shouldn't.  But I really like being with him, having adventures, going on dates, cuddling during movies, etc.  But how can I, in good conscience, knowingly deprive both of us of a greater happiness?  I can't.  And so.........today I let my logic take the wheel...and I am going to end it.  I have had two crying breakdowns about this already, and I guarantee at least another three.  But I have to do what is right and what is best for both of us in the long run!

Here's the thing: when I end it, I am probably going to need some serious help.  But I have serious issues asking for emotional help (or really any help, but whatevs).  So I decided to listen to Big Time Rush's song "Till I Forget About You" and get some ideas on how to cope once this is ended (it was an easy source of guidance where when I turned to it I felt unimposing!).  So far they have told me to:

• Dance hard
• Laugh more
• Turn the music up
• Party like a rock star
• Yell "What now????"
• Jump up
• Fall down
• Play it loud (I think my music, again....?)
• Get moving
• Find a place where I can lose myself
• Spend money like it don't mean a thing (retail therapy is real!)
• Lose my mind
• Do anything I have to till I forget about YOU.

So if I start to engage in any of these behaviors, you will know that I have sincerely started the recovery process and will be legitimately trying to make myself whole again.  Because, let's be honest, BTR's advice is probably the best advice EVER and I trust them implicitly.  Maybe I'll write them a letter suggesting they launch their careers as psychological therapists.  International singing/dancing/acting sensations?  Nah...just the best counselors for relationship drama.  :)

Here's to breaking up and hating it the whole time.  And here's to boys who have no idea what's coming.  Here's to a relationship founded on being blindsided...and dissolved on the same note.



This post's title came from this song:
Till I Forget About You by Big Time Rush

Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered

It's official.  I am the worst friend and lover in the whole world!  Remember my friend who loves me but who I don't love back because I thought I might love his best friend (which I actually don't love his best friend either)?  Yes, well I am leading on the first friend SO BADLY.  I love spending time with him and I love the validation that I get from his paying attention to me.  I love talking with him.  But lately, it has become very serious between us - as in we are basically dating.  Seeing each other EVERY SINGLE DAY.  It's also highly flirtatious.  I had thought I had my mind made up that I wasn't going to date him.  I wasn't going to hang out with him past 10:30 at night or hang out with him alone...and I threw all that out the window and let this little relationship develop and find that I am, as the song says, "bewitched, bothered, and bewildered."  I sometimes think I like him...but I'm bothered because I know that I didn't and that I was certain he was not what or who I needed in my life.  I'm bewildered because I'm experiencing all of these emotions that are typical of a relationship, but I'm certain that I don't want to truly have a relationship with him and so I'm feeling things that really should be attributed to another!  Bah!  This probably isn't making ANY sense at all!  I am a little bit of a wreck.

Let's talk about something else.  Something fun or whatever.  :)  Haha.  But who am I kidding?  Because really, this is the only thing on my mind - it is literally plaguing my mind.



This post's title came from this song:
Bewitched as sung by Ella Fitzgerald

Nothing Is Sound

So here's to a day filled with emotional breakdowns and tears.

Here's how it goes:  My friend - a really close and good friend - told me that he liked me.  I sat there in silence, because I never, NEVER saw it coming.  And I didn't know how to respond to him.  But I let him hold me.  And I liked it.  I think I liked the idea of a relationship.  But as I continued to think about it, I realized that I just didn't want to be in a relationship with him.  There are too many factors that I don't know if I could overlook and overcome...  I realize that I'm being extremely cryptic, but if I delve into any details, this will officially become a novel.  Suffice it to say that I like the idea of an "us" only because it would entitle me to receive physical perks - like kissing, which I have missed dearly for the last year.  It would also mean that I wouldn't have to spend any more evenings alone.  Which I sometimes need, but sometimes despise.  That is not fair to him.  That is me using him.  And also, I am kind of in the process of deciding whether I like this other boy, who, coincidentally, is his best friend.  So great.  I'm a tramp.  I'm officially a hot mess!

I want to talk to this friend so badly, but I am not in control of myself right now.  I told him last night that I couldn't be in a relationship with him and that I couldn't marry him.  I can't go crawling to him after I break him.  Yet he's the only one who I want to talk about it with - he's the only one who has been with me through the duration of us as friends or lovers or whatever and therefore, I think that he's the only one who I should be talking to this about.  But what would I even say?

So now it is a week and a half later than the above paragraphs...and I am doing much better.  No crying, anyway.  But I feel bad for breaking and hurting my friend.  We have continued to hang out.  And it has been mostly normal.  Except for when we hold hands.  And when hugs turn into lengthy and tender embraces.  I need to be in control!  I laid down rules.  I made the decision to not date him.  I can't just say one thing and act another way!

And let's add this fun detail: My friend kept asking me questions, trying to understand why I had made the decision I did.  He asked one question that just killed me.  He goes, "Does your decision to not date me have to do in any way, in any form, with your feelings for my BEST FRIEND?"  And I had to look at him and say, "Yes."  That was the worst thing ever.  I broke his heart again with my truthfulness.  He ran away from me after that confession, leaving me sitting on my front porch miserable and guilty.  But I felt like I owed him honesty.  I basically told him that he's known since the beginning that I have been exploring my feelings for his best friend.  And he has known that.  But it didn't make it any easier!  I DO care for this boy...but I can't love him with my whole heart if there's a piece of me wondering about his best friend.  Make sense?

I keep wondering how many times I will hurt him before it finally breaks him completely.  I want to pull away so that he WON'T break completely, but I am just selfish enough that I keep hanging on - I like his company, even though the dynamic between us is very complicated.  I need to let him go and live his life.  I can't have it both ways.  He is taking out another girl on a date tomorrow night.  I'm incredibly jealous.  I want him to spend time with me.  I have let myself grow to NEED him.  But I know that being with him is not going to make either one of us happy in the long run.  So I am caught in limbo - wanting him to find happiness and a girl who can love him best (I wanted to love him best, but I just couldn't.), but also wanting him to love me and be there for me, but also wanting us to just be friends because that is what is TRULY best for both of us.  It's very complicated and my feelings are kind of all over the place...changing from moment to moment.  Therefore, nothing is sound.



This post's title came from this song:
Happy is a Yuppie Word by Switchfoot

Party in the U.S.A.

Here's the real question: Famous people parties?  Not technically a question, but I've been wondering about them.  As in: If they play music, how do they not have arguments about whose music gets played?  I mean, what if Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato and Miley Cyrus are all at a party and they all want the DJ to play the songs they've worked so hard on?  Likewise with Usher and Chris Brown and Eminem...  I mean, I would assume that celebrities are mature enough to not fight about whose song gets played first, but you never know!  And so I'm sure that the DJ gets all sorts of drama like, "Why have you played 2 Miley Cyrus songs and none of mine?"  Or whatever (But what sane DJ would really play mostly Miley songs anyways?  Ha!).  And if your song does get played during the course of the evening, how WEIRD would that be?  You're just chilling, talking with your homies, or whatever, and then you're like, "Wait.  I think I recognize this voice!  Oh yeah, it's MINE!"  I don't know, I guess they do concerts all the time and have made CDs, so they obviously are used to the sound of their own voice...but do you think they ever pull out their own CD and just listen to it?  That just seems so weird to me!

And furthermore!  Watching a movie at a celebrity party - I'm just certain that it doesn't happen, because how do you decide whose movie to play?  Haha!  But really, don't you wonder if they even watch movies?  I don't really like watching videos of myself, but maybe if its scripted and you're all made up it changes things?  I really wonder how celebrity parties go...maybe this is why everyone is always drinking and doing drugs - to numb the pain of having their song played last or not getting to watch their own movie at the party.  HA!  I have no idea, but doesn't it make you wonder how they go???



This post's title came from this song:
Party in the U.S.A. by Miley Cyrus

Screaming Without Lungs

What does a scream without lungs even sound like?  I am certain it is just a silent breakdown.  Which is what I am having.  I don't want to involve anyone - I hate needing people.  I think that I hate the thought that people might perceive me as NEEDY.  What a stigma to bear!  Nobody likes a clingy, needy, emotional wreck!  And I have been SUPER emotional these last few days.  I just feel overwhelmed - everything is hitting me so hard right now, and with such urgency (or maybe I just make things seem like they are urgent).  And so now, because I don't want to involve anyone, I am having a mostly silent breakdown.  I shared with my roommate a little bit of what is going on.  And I shared some other aspects with one of my close guy friends.  But the thing is - a lot of this breakdown is kind of heavily tied up in this guy friend.

See, here's the thing:  He just confided in me and it turned out to be a bit overwhelming.  And so I want to be there for him with all of the hardships and trials that he is going through, but I don't even know what to do to help him.  I can't help a person if they are not willing to help themselves, which, unfortunately, is the case with this guy.  And me, being the emotional wreck that I am, I couldn't have really rendered him much help even if he DID want to accept my help and help himself (I can barely help my own self to function, you know?).  I am held hostage by the feeling that it must be ME who helps him through all of the hard things and listens to his despair for hours...but I need to be free to be happy.  I can't let his problems take over my life and drag me down!  I am already dealing with a lot of my own stuff, so when we talk, it ends up being sort of a "Here's all the negative things that are happening" conversation, and that's not helping either one of us!  Basically, we can't help lift each other because we are both too caught up in our problems.  And we need to be around people who will help us see the good and who will lift us up and inspire us to do great things and see the positive.

Everything seems to be hitting me so hard and I'm dealing with the emotional problems of several people and I'm having a hard time wanting to let anyone help me handle all of the tasks I need to accomplish.  I know that I can't do everything on my own though, and so realizing that and reaching out for help is a complete necessity.  I know that I can make the effort to overcome my fear of being stigmatized.  And I know that most people understand what it is like to need help.  So I am just going to make the leap for it and stop holding everything in and let people help me if they can.  And if I turn out to be too much for them, that is ok, because somewhere out there, there are people who WILL be able to help as much as I need them to...and someday I may be able to meet the great needs of others.



This post's title came from this song:
Lonely Nation by Switchfoot

As For Me, It's Nothing New - Just Another Two Years

Let's delve into a topic that is troubling and unsettling - waiting for a missionary.  For any girl who belongs to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, you know what I'm referring to.  Maybe you didn't ever send a missionary out, but you knew someone who did.

Why is this troubling to me?  Well for a couple of reasons.  First of all, I have to honestly admit that for pretty much my whole life I scorned girls who waited for missionaries.  I thought, "How dumb are you?  You're just going to sit around for two years and pine for him???  Get a life!  Move on!"  And then one day, I fell in love with a boy who was going to leave on his mission very shortly.  And now I find myself being one of the girls I had once termed "dumb."  Talk about identity crisis!  Geez!

So yes, I was just thinking about a boy I loved and how I actually knew that our relationship was going to end soon - he was going to serve a mission for our church for two years and we would only be allowed to write letters to one another - but how for just that moment in time, I didn't care what anyone said or did, as long as I was able to be with this boy for as long as we had.  We really only had a few weeks together.  And let's face it - pre-mission relationships are generally pretty tame.  So combine both of those facts and you get a girl who's harboring an unrequited and unfounded love.  And you also get a boy who has written her a total of two letters in ten months.  Can I really have meant ANYTHING to him?  I seriously think it was a figment of my imagination, the relationship I mean.

So this one is for all of my sisters (and I guess brothers too, if there are any of you) out there who have a missionary out right now.  It's hard and it's retarded.  But maybe, for some of you, it will be worth it.  Right now, I don't know if my missionary even thinks about me, let alone likes me!  Isn't that ultra ridiculous???  I mean, I'm glad he's so focused on the Lord's work, but I would kind of like to feel him tugging on the end of the line every so often, you know?  Also, I never know whether I should write him or not, and when I do write him, I have the hardest time filtering so that I don't sound super emotional/clingy/needy/love sick/desperate (whether I really am any of those things is another post for another time).  And I don't REALLY want to be a distraction to him.  But it's such a fine line between being supportive and being distracting!

Here's to sitting around wondering what will happen after the two years are up.  Here's to being uncertain and unsure and kind of lonely (because let's face it - no matter how much your friends let you talk about him and what transpired, you still miss him and feel lonely without him!).  Here's to trying your best to be a good girl and a supportive friend for TWO WHOLE YEARS.

And I'm sure this won't be the last you hear from me about this topic.  Do you know how many levels and facets are contained within it?  So ready yourselves for some lovesick rantings.


This post's title came from this song:
Sore Thumb by the Format

And So It Begins

You know the feeling you get when you watch those shows or movies where there is a love story?  That longing kind of feeling that makes you have a sort of ache inside?  An ache for that kind of love that could be so perfect and wonderful.  An ache for the kind of love that can overcome all of the trials and hardships that the couple has to endure so that they can finally be together.  An ache for the same sort of love that conquers all.  I know that I know the feeling.

Yes, I guess this is going to be another blog where a girl delves into the depths of love and life and making it through in one relatively sane piece.  But we're all trying to find it, this love.  And if we've found it, we want to hold onto it forever, right?  So besides having this be a venue for my rants and thoughts to reside, it will house theories and ideas for finding and holding onto love.  There has been so much research done on the subject of love and affection and human relationships, and frankly, it's fascinating.  But the ultimate goal is not just to research it, or read about it, or watch it happen to fictional characters on a movie or show...the goal is to find it for myself.  And once I've found it, I don't want it to ever go away.  So this blog is going to be my journey into the messy world of human relationships, with several jaunts into my somewhat complex past and my intricate and tangled present.  And hopefully, some of what I share can help you find what you are looking for too.



This post's title came from this song:
Countdown by Jupiter One