I Can't Tell What Kind of Life I've Led Today

Ever get the feeling that you're in a stagnant state of being?  I'm feeling that way today.  I go on Facebook today (probably my first mistake) and see all these pictures and posts of my friends getting married, engaged, and graduating from college.  I'm thinking..."Wow.  How boring and unproductive am I?"  I am officially in a stagnant and BORING stage of life.  I feel like I am busy ALL THE TIME...but with what???  I seriously cannot even answer that question!

Maybe I'll take this summer to do NOTHING.  Stop being busy.  Find some time to really prioritize.

You know, I've been joking with my friends that I am going to spend the summer as a social recluse.  But sadly, it's not REALLY a joke.  All of my friends are moving away and going off being productive this summer - doing internships, traveling to cool places for their job, greeting their returned missionaries and probably becoming engaged (THE ENGAGEMENTS NEVER END!!!!!!!!!), going on missions, doing summer school, working in research labs, etc. etc. etc.  And I am going to....????????  Yes.  Sit in my room and watch telenovelas and eat countless boxes of Mike & Ikes.  And go to work, let's not forget my great job at ASU - I really do like it, but it's not prepping me for my desired career.............  Anyways.  Part of me is actually quite looking forward to being freed from social obligations.  Because yes, I often do see them as obligations, rather than opportunities.  But at the same time, I am immensely sad and disgusted with what my life will be.  It's this weird love/hate thing I've got going on.

And today, I feel like my life is trés pathetic with no foreseeable remedy.

Oh.  Did I mention that I went through with it and broke up with the boy?  I did.  And it was sad.  And I cried A LOT.  And he took it so well and was SO nice and swore to me we'd still be friends.  And I want to be his friend.  I also want to believe that I left him better than I found him...but I don't think that I did that.  And that is what bothers me the most.  That is probably one of the biggest contributors to my lack of self-esteem and this negative life review moment that I'm having.

Oh relationships!  How you vex me!



This post's title came from this song:
Ha Ha by Mates of State