All Over Again

Sometimes I am dumb.  Here is a list of reasons why I should let the boy go (I already broke up with him, but mentally and emotionally releasing him is proving to be a real challenge.  Blah!).  Ready?

• He told me that blogs are graffiti with punctuation after I confessed this blog to him
• He does not value the church or the gospel the way I do or as much as I do...or if he does, he does not really show it.
• He has a shady past - which I know that forgiveness is real and important, but there are certain things that people bring with them, no matter what...and some of those things he brings would truly be detrimental to a functioning and healthy relationship
• I feel like he rarely hears what I am telling him...this seems to be a problem for both of us...
• He accused me of not listening to him, even though I have spent a great deal of time staying up through the night into the early hours of the morning with him, just talking through his issues and trials.  He said, "I never know if what I say to you is just going to fall through the cracks."  I took that one really hard; it felt very cruel to me, especially since I lost so much sleep to be with him and help him...and he basically brushed all the effort, time, and the selflessness that it took for me to forgo what was best for me (sleep, so that I could function in school and at work) aside.
• He doesn't ask about major things that I've told him I will be dealing with - like tests, events at work, trips I take...  I feel like that is him saying my life is unimportant to him.
• When I asked him why he was drawn to me, the answers were not the reasons I was hoping for - I want him to be drawn to my light, my testimony, my happiness, my crazy silly streak...I don't know.  He liked me because we had fun dance parties together and because I was beautiful (which, I wish he would have told me when he thought I looked nice...), and those are really the only reasons that I can remember.  Isn't that just sad?
• I never felt like I could be COMPLETELY open and honest with him, especially when it came to expressing my needs.  I just let most of my needs go unmet, because I was afraid to voice them to him; I knew he would reject me and deny me.

I don't really want to think of all the other reasons.  Why am I lisitng this out?  Because I am trying to convince myself to stay clear of him.  We went to a talent show the other night together - he sang and I played the piano for him - and at the end of the night, he dropped me off and gave me a hug...and I held on for just a moment too long to have it be a platonic and neutral hug.  He's wondering what's going on, and so am I.  I was sure I was over it, ready to let go...but not quite yet.  So we begin the "flirt, no we can't date, flirt, date, breakup" cycle all over again...unless my logic can win out this time.



The post's title came from this song:
All Over Again by Big Time Rush