Screaming Without Lungs

What does a scream without lungs even sound like?  I am certain it is just a silent breakdown.  Which is what I am having.  I don't want to involve anyone - I hate needing people.  I think that I hate the thought that people might perceive me as NEEDY.  What a stigma to bear!  Nobody likes a clingy, needy, emotional wreck!  And I have been SUPER emotional these last few days.  I just feel overwhelmed - everything is hitting me so hard right now, and with such urgency (or maybe I just make things seem like they are urgent).  And so now, because I don't want to involve anyone, I am having a mostly silent breakdown.  I shared with my roommate a little bit of what is going on.  And I shared some other aspects with one of my close guy friends.  But the thing is - a lot of this breakdown is kind of heavily tied up in this guy friend.

See, here's the thing:  He just confided in me and it turned out to be a bit overwhelming.  And so I want to be there for him with all of the hardships and trials that he is going through, but I don't even know what to do to help him.  I can't help a person if they are not willing to help themselves, which, unfortunately, is the case with this guy.  And me, being the emotional wreck that I am, I couldn't have really rendered him much help even if he DID want to accept my help and help himself (I can barely help my own self to function, you know?).  I am held hostage by the feeling that it must be ME who helps him through all of the hard things and listens to his despair for hours...but I need to be free to be happy.  I can't let his problems take over my life and drag me down!  I am already dealing with a lot of my own stuff, so when we talk, it ends up being sort of a "Here's all the negative things that are happening" conversation, and that's not helping either one of us!  Basically, we can't help lift each other because we are both too caught up in our problems.  And we need to be around people who will help us see the good and who will lift us up and inspire us to do great things and see the positive.

Everything seems to be hitting me so hard and I'm dealing with the emotional problems of several people and I'm having a hard time wanting to let anyone help me handle all of the tasks I need to accomplish.  I know that I can't do everything on my own though, and so realizing that and reaching out for help is a complete necessity.  I know that I can make the effort to overcome my fear of being stigmatized.  And I know that most people understand what it is like to need help.  So I am just going to make the leap for it and stop holding everything in and let people help me if they can.  And if I turn out to be too much for them, that is ok, because somewhere out there, there are people who WILL be able to help as much as I need them to...and someday I may be able to meet the great needs of others.



This post's title came from this song:
Lonely Nation by Switchfoot