I'm generally kind. I'm usually politically correct. I'm often thought of as reserved.
But this is a look at the inner recesses of my complex mind. I won't hold back on this blog. Because as someone once told me, blogs are virtual graffiti, and no one ever said that graffiti has to be proper or right. So I'm embracing that insult. Enjoy the wild view.
I know that I've already mentioned this at some point, but my gosh, this summer is SOOOOO hot. I am getting kind of grouchy about it... which is stupid, because I know (and have always known) that summer is excruciating here! And yet... the heat continues to get to me.
So here I sit in front of my fan, drinking gallons of ice water, crunching on the ice once the water is all gone, and dreaming of a cooler day...a cloudy, rainy, gray day...
Side note: one time, a girl I knew told me that when people chew on ice, it is a sign of sexual frustration. Now, I don't know if that is true or not, but every time I start crunching on my ice, I hear her voice and wonder...am I sexually frustrated? As a virgin, I just don't know the answer to that question. Maybe subconsciously I AM...???? Because all my friends are married and having babies and I subconsciously feel left out and lonely and want a man and a healthy sex life and an adorable family??? Gah, that's something to dissect later.
But let's move on to something fun I found on my camera:
Isn't that just adorable? I went to this little Mexican restaurant in Mesa, AZ, called Rosa's Mexican Grill. Now, this was a while ago, actually, but this picture was begging to be shared. So.
When my sister got married in June, we had a luncheon at Rosa's. The food was amazing, and being surrounded by family was great, especially since I don't get to see a lot of my extended family very often (they live kind of far away from me). It was just a really good, easy, laid back time, and these sweet little napkin holders on the busy Mexican tiled tabletops evoked a lot of thought in me. They seemed to belong to another era, one where generous hospitality was commonplace and people took more time for each other. I can imagine people of that era gathering together at diners or on front porches or in backyards and sharing a Coke, a smile and swapping stories. I long for the mid-century lifestyle, where women had class, men had confidence, where families ate dinner together, friends cared for each other, and where respect was taught and expected.
This era does not suit me much, but c'est la vie, I suppose. I am trying to make it work, and I try to enjoy the small things - like quaint napkin holders and icy cold sodas.
I hate this god-forsaken desert. I hate the satanic heat and the blistering sun. I hate the massive amounts of asphalt and cars and people. I hate the lack of lawns and trees and plants. I hate my life here. I wish I could be impulsive and just pack up and move to a better place. But would it be a better place? Is it my attitude that is making me so disgruntled, or is it truly the place? I used to love the valley and I craved its busy bustle. I adored it's distinctive smell - orange blossoms and pollution and heat and dust and chlorine from all the pools. That was five years ago. I've been here five effing years. And I have nothing to show for it except a piece of paper that says I have a B.A. in psychology. Everyone knows that you can't do ANYTHING with a B.A. in psychology - you have to get your masters if you want any sort of decent job! I feel like a failure, a wash out, a loser. I'm stuck here in this city I hate, working at a job that makes me irritable every day, and losing friends to marriage left and right. And never dating. I never date. I'm sure if I were a thousand pounds lighter, a million years younger, and was addicted to working out and fro-yo, I would be drowning in all the dates I'd be going on. There would be too many men and too many dates to keep track of. But as it is, I am alone with no hope of that ever changing. Today I am cranky, lonely, irritated, overheated and fed up with my pitiful life. Could you tell? ;)
And I came across this motivational/inspirational quote on Pinterest today:
"Happiness is letting go of what you think your life is supposed to look like and celebrating it for everything that it is."
- Mandy Hale
And I felt chastised and wrong. And it made me think of the quote by Marjorie Pay Hinckley:
"The trick is to enjoy life. Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones ahead."
- Marjorie Pay Hinckley
And I know that I should be more optimistic. I should try harder to be happy and grateful in my circumstances. I know that I need to CHOOSE to be better. And in my heart, I REALLY DO want to be better and happier and more optimistic. But once the day gets started and reality sets in, I forget all my good intentions, and all I want to do is eat Cheeto Puffs and curl up in my bed to avoid everything and everyone - because it all reminds me of how far away I am from living my dream life. How can I respect myself for leading this poor sad life?
In my dream life...
I am slender and strong
I am sought after by men
I am in a healthy relationship with a fashionable and kind man
I am working in a job that I love
I have found my passion in life
I am using my college degree for something meaningful
I am free of insecurities
I am free of addictions
I am filled with self-confidence and self-love
I am living in a cooler climate with lots of flora and fauna
I have a nice car with an aux cable so I can drive and listen to all my favorite music loudly
I make decent money - something that is in line with my college education
I treat myself to vacations in the mountains, preferably in a cabin by the lake with a canoe or kayak available to me.
I am happy
I don't know how much longer I can go on here in the desert. I am antsy for a change that will rejuvenate and inspire me.
Let's just dive right into this surprising little event...
Do you remember the boy from two years ago who was struggling with same sex attraction but who dated me anyways? Do you remember all the drama of that went along with that terrible time? I can never forget the emotional roller coaster that it was. Honestly, it was one of the most draining experiences I've ever had. I put it behind me, I thought. I didn't speak to him for about a year after we broke up. Then we texted very sporadically and stuck to safe surface stuff - a birthday wish, a congrats on my college graduation, etc.
Well my friend Cori and I went to see a production of Saturday's Warrior that he was in a couple of weeks ago. She and I both love Saturday's Warrior (a musical about an LDS family, promises that they made in the pre-earth life, and how they struggle to keep those promises and live the gospel here on earth). It's a great production. Lots of people have problems with it, but I love it. So we went to see it. Partly because the boy was in it and we thought it'd be cool to support him, but mostly because we are both fans of the show.
I hadn't hung out with the boy for about 2 months prior to seeing him in the show. The last time we hung out was a quick lunch, where we kept everything really light. The time before that was...oh my gosh, at the YSA stake New Year's dance. SO LONG AGO. And we didn't really talk to each other then, either, because we'd both come with other friends and were spending time with them instead. So yeah. Not much interaction. And honestly, that was kind of how I liked it. I wasn't getting dragged into any of his drama.
So after the show was over (it was pretty mediocre actually...*sigh*), we went out into the lobby and took a picture with him and chatted for a few minutes. I said hi to his parents and then he brought up my half birthday and suggested that the three of us get together for it. We all agreed and the plan was set in motion.
So my half birthday rolled around, and Cori and the boy came to my house to pick me up. We bought cookie dough and went to a new park to enjoy it. It was unseasonably cool that night for July in this awful desert. We were outside for a couple of hours, and I was barely hot at all! It was amazing. The best half birthday present I could wish for! We talked, ate cookie dough, watched the sunset and the kids playing in the lighted splash pad. It was calm. It was peaceful. It was good to be with old friends and remember old times together. We got drinks from Circle K and drove around listening to Big Time Rush as loud as we could.
At the end of the night, we all said goodbye on my porch. Cori hugged me and drove away, but the boy lingered. He pulled me in for a hug and it lasted just a little too long. I knew something was up. He said, "I just have to tell you something." I was expecting him to say something about his same sex attraction challenges, because that's usually what he talks about when he gets all serious like that. BUT, NO! Instead, he goes, "I am really attracted to you...Like REALLY attracted." And I just gaped at him, open mouthed, like a real classy dame. (Not.) WHAT...THE...HECK??? Where did THAT come from? But like the calm collected lady that I am, I just said, "Oh, thanks. Hahahaha." And I tried to laugh away the serious tone of the conversation and get back into safer water. But he wasn't having any of my shenanigans. He continued in the same vein, and followed up the first bomb with an even bigger one: "I'll understand if you say no, but I just HAVE to ask you this............Do you think we could try dating again?" He went on to explain how it felt so comfortable to be together and how he's missed that. I was COMPLETELY blindsided! Totally bewildered. I had no idea how to react to this. I mean, Come. On. I haven't hung out with this kid for like...months. And out of NOWHERE, he decides that he wants to date me again??? Seriously?
Okay, and can we just talk for a second about all the factors in round one of our dating history? Two years ago, it was awful. He was depressed, he had testimony issues, and he was struggling MAJORLY with his same sex attraction. I was in love with/trying to get over another guy, was also depressed, and had no sense of self-worth. That's a great foundation for a solid relationship, right? WRONG. Here's what's even worse, though: Those same factors are pretty much still in play in our lives right now. He's still depressed, even more so than two years ago, and he is still struggling in a huge way with his SSA. And although I'm not IN LOVE with another guy anymore, I am still trying to get over the ones of my past whom I loved so dearly. I am not completely happy with my life or myself, and I don't believe that I deserve love or a happy healthy relationship. And also, I'm not ready to be tied down right now. Especially to him! I want to date more people and explore more options. I admit, though, I freaked out a bit and in response to his question, I asked, "Uh...can I think about it?" When in all reality, I knew the answer was "NO" from the moment he asked the question.
But after he left, and as I lay in my bed TRYING to go to sleep, I had a panicky moment where I thought, "What if this is it? What if this is the only opportunity I will have to be in a relationship?" And then I got a hold of myself and realized that if I DID take this opportunity, it would deprive me of any other opportunities that might come along that I might REALLY want to take. I'm not going to date him. I CAN'T date him!!!!!! I would hate myself. I would never have peace of mind. I would always be wishing for something better and more wholesome.
Now I just have to decide how to gently break the news to him....
I hate this.
This post's title came from this song:
Hungry Eyes by Eric Carmen
I was talking with my roommate last night about a guy that she briefly dated. He ended the relationship only a few weeks into it, and she was pretty devastated by that, which is uncharacteristic for her. Normally, she is the one to end things, or else it is a mutual breakup.
This guy came up in our conversation because he has been trying to get back into her life. Maybe he feels like he has to prove that he meant it when he said, "Let's still be friends." Maybe he still likes her (that's my personal theory). Maybe he just knows how much fun she is and wants to be a part of all the cool adventures she orchestrates. I. Don't. Know. She was hurt, though, and kept her distance until very recently. She went on dates with other guys and filled her life with friends and activities. She didn't want to waste her time with someone who didn't want her. (She is so smart and logical!)
But yesterday, she confided that she finally felt okay with being around him again (he had hung out with a bunch of us on Friday night). She had struggled with some heartbreak and sadness, just like the rest of us usually do after a breakup, and she hadn't wanted to be around him much, but she now felt like they really could be friends after all that happened romantically between the two of them. Believing him to be into her still (my gosh, you should see the way he LOOKS at her, and the cute little pranks he plays on her to get her attention...is it really platonic? Really???), I asked her if he decided that he wanted her back, would she let him have her? Without hesitating, she laughed out loud and said, "Yeah. Definitely. Yeah."
And you know what? I think that every girl has that one guy who she would go back to in a heartbeat if he wanted her. I know that I do. No matter what, he's got a piece of your heart. And you can't forget him, no matter how hard you try.
This post's title came from this song:
Still Into You by Paramore
It's been a year since The Extrovert returned from his mission. A year and a month. 398 days since our last romantic entanglement. I can't believe it is that far behind me. And I know I've posted before how I'm over it and over him and shared how indignant I was that he would text me after all that has transpired between us and how dare he have the nerve to try and be friends after how he used me and disrespected me???
But I had a dream about him. I KNOW. It was only a dream. A single silly dream that I can't even fully remember the details to anymore. But it started a train of thought that just. won't. stop. ...and all I've done for the past few days is reminisce about the good times, the happy times, the romantic times between us, and it's made me miss him in the strongest of ways.
I'M AN IDIOT. I know.
Dreams are supposed to fade. They're supposed to be easily forgotten when the day dawns. This lyric seemed to fit my situation: "I know with the dawn that you will be gone, but tonight you belong to me." Tonight in my dreams... He's mine in my dreams, and with the dawn, the dreams should fade and he should be gone from my thoughts and my heart. But in my dreams, he's the charming kind lover I had in the beginning, and the dawn has failed to erase that fantasy from my mind.
Dawn should have been kinder to me. It should have gently erased the dream before I could grasp onto the fragments and agonize over what might have been. I am trapped in an unhealthy nostalgic mindset, and I yearn for something that is never to be.
This post's title came from this song:
Tonight You Belong To Me as sung by Eddie Vedder and Cat Power
I want to break something down for you all today. Something that is very simple........or at least it should be simple.
You want to catch a boy's eye, so...
Look your best. A little mascara and lip gloss never hurt anyone. And try wearing a color that flatters your skin tone. Looking your best will do wonders for your confidence, and confidence is VERY attractive.
Be friendly and warm - not just to him, but to everyone
Offer genuine compliments and praise
Attend functions that he is likely to be at, i.e. a certain party, church, etc., and make it a point to NOT stay in a cluster of your girlfriends.
Do not...
Dress like a skank. It's okay to be a little mysterious and coy by covering up appropriately.
Follow him around like a puppy
Be mean to other girls or ignore others - he will see this and wonder when you'll start to treat him this way
Be phony or fake. When you are yourself, you will attract someone who will be a better fit for you.
The end. No really. It really could be this easy. Right?
This post's title came from this song:
Girls Chase Boys by Ingrid Michaelson
I wanted to share one of my favorite pasta salad recipes with you today. The good thing about pasta salad, is that you can easily adjust it to yield fewer servings, and as with any pasta salad, it's all about what YOU like, so add more cheese if you're a cheese person, or fewer (or no) tomatoes if you're not crazy about tomatoes, etc. My mom adds olives, but I hate them, so I took them out of my recipe. I also adjusted this recipe to include more garbanzo beans and I then included cauliflower (which it didn't originally call for), because I love those things! Don't be afraid to mess with the amounts, because with salads like this, it's not so much about the exact proportions as it is about having lots of what you like in the salad. So without further ado:
Favorite Summertime Pasta Salad
2 boxes (12 oz) of tri-color rotini pasta, cooked, rinsed and drained
2 cans (12 oz) of garbanzo beans, drained
1 jar (14 oz) of marinated artichoke hearts, drained - but save the marinade (I cut the hearts into smaller pieces)
1 lb of colby jack cheese, cut into small cubes
1 package (6 oz) of sliced pepperoni, cut into quarters
1/2 cup of shredded Parmesan cheese (I use more sometimes, depending on the mood I'm in)
1 package (16 oz at least) of grape tomatoes, sliced in half
2 cups of broccoli florets, broken into smaller pieces
2 cups of cauliflower florets, broken into smaller pieces
1 container (16 oz) of Italian salad dressing
2 tsp salt
Bring a large pot of water to a boil. Add one or two teaspoons of salt to the water so that your pasta won't be too bland. Once the water is boiling, add pasta, stirring occasionally to keep it from sticking to the pan. Test pasta after about six or seven minutes; we want the pasta to be al dente (visit this link to learn more about cooking pasta al dente). Once the pasta is al dente, remove it from the stove, place in a colander, and rinse to cool it off. Let it drain.
While your pasta is cooking, it's time to cut up your other ingredients and combine them all into a large mixing bowl. Break up or cut your broccoli and cauliflower into small florets. You don't want one piece of broccoli to take up the entire fork! Cut cheese into small cubes - about a 1/2 square inch should do it. Take your slices of pepperoni and quarter them. Grape tomatoes should be sliced in half. Take the artichoke hearts out of the marinade and chop into smaller pieces. Drain the garbanzo beans and add them in. Add the Parmesan cheese as well. Place all of these items in the large mixing bowl and use a large spoon or spatula to mix them all together. Add the drained pasta to the bowl and mix it in. Pour the Italian dressing and the marinade from the artichoke hearts into the bowl and mix it one last time.
Place the salad in the refrigerator so you can serve it cold and so all the flavors can marry. A couple of hours should be perfect, although this time around, I just couldn't wait any longer than 30 minutes. And guess what? It was wonderful. :)
This post's title came from this song:
What Time is It? from High School Musical 2
Let's talk about my trip to Idaho. I know I grazed over the trip in my last post, but it was such an experience for me and I kind of want to dissect that now. Brace yourselves: it's a lengthy post.
I took the trip so that I could get away from the city and spend time with my best friend. I could kind of sense that she needed someone and some extra emotional support, so I offered to come up. When I made the offer, I never imagined that I would need the trip as much for my emotional support as for hers. I mean, when I was up there, driving through the rolling hills, fields touched with the new green of spring, and the majestic snow capped mountains, I got a refill on something that I didn't even recognize was missing from my life: peace and total contentment.
The view as I drove through Idaho. Kind of breathtaking, right?
How could I have been so caught up in my life to not even realize that I wasn't happy and content with the life I am living? I know how........I let work rule my life, I turn a blind eye to the pollution and crowds of the city, and I immerse myself in Netflix...all so that I can numb the discontentment I feel. I work to pay my bills. I stay in the city so that I can have a job to pay my bills. I hate the city. I hate the crowds. I hate the heat. I hate the superficial quality of the majority of the people here. But I've learned to tune it out. But tuning it out doesn't mean that I like it and it doesn't give me peace. All of which I came to realize while I was listening to "Take Me Home, Country Roads" by John Denver while I drove through the rural northern country. I know now that I've got to get out of this hellish heat trap that I once affectionately called "the Valley." But where to go? There are so many options. Ideally, I just want to hide myself away in a log cabin next to a lake in the middle of a pine tree forest where no one can bother me. Have a quiet existence. Here's something else that my trip taught me: I feel close to God when I am in nature. Specifically mountains, lakes, rivers, forests - these bring me to my knees, and make me feel like singing "When through the woods, and forest glades I wander, and hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees, when I look down, from lofty mountain grandeur and see the brook, and feel the gentle breeze, then sings my soul, "My Saviour, God, to Thee, How great Thou art!"
Look at this amazing little gem of a place: Beaver Dick Park. Gosh, it was so perfect. It was drizzling a little when we were there, and I think that made it even more perfect and hushed. We were the only ones there enjoying this, and that was fine with me. The silence was soothing. The river was calming. And the fresh air was invigorating. And although the name made me giggle like a 13 year-old boy....I couldn't get enough of the place.
My friend, Cass, was a wonderful tour guide. She showed me all over town and took me to places that she knew I would enjoy. I know she put some thought into it, and it really made my trip amazing.
The TV Museum in Rigby
Beaver Dick Park
Sammy's in Rexburg
And of course, we had to have a night out, an excuse to get all dressed up and look incredible, because that's kind of what we DO when we get together........ So we went to Sammy's where there was a dance party and a great deal on shakes and fries. No one was mad about this. Look at how fierce I look!
We went to church on Sunday but skipped out of Sunday school early to traipse through the Gardens on the BYU-I campus. It was well worth it, just let me tell you. The air was crisp. The sun was shining. The tulips were blooming. The wildlife was abundant. The conversation was thought-provoking. I felt joyful! For the first time in a very long time I was truly happy. We left church early because I had to get ready to go back home, but.......a quick 45 minute tour of the gardens had to fit its way into our schedule! It just had to! I'm so glad that we took time for it. I loved the gardens, touched with the first signs of spring.
The trip was incredible. Being with my best friend was revitalizing and empowering. The quiet time I had to myself as I drove from Salt Lake up to Rexburg and then back down again...well that was invaluable to me. I needed that time for myself so badly, and I was able to think about my life, my dreams, my goals and my hopes. The scary thing is that I have to start all over again if I want to have the life of my dreams. I have to move, which is huge. I have to be all on my own again, which is kind of hard sometimes. I have to figure out a place that suits me and that I feel peaceful about - a place that God intends me to be. There are so many places to consider, it's a little overwhelming, but I have faith that my path will be made clear eventually. I struggle now for the peace and contentment I will feel later. And so I take the first step on the road to happiness, peace, and a life filled with true joy and total satisfaction.
This post's title came from this song:
Beginning of a Bad Idea by Tyler Ward
I just took a wonderful trip to Idaho. Yes. I know - Idaho. But it was such a perfect weekend! I saw my best friend, I was able to relax, and I was able to be out in nature, rather than confined to the busy city with its endless asphalt and concrete. It was the perfect change of pace. It was such a peaceful trip. I mean, just look at this serene place:
I started thinking about The Extrovert though, towards the end. He crept into my thoughts like fog - almost unnoticeable at first, but quickly obscuring any other thought that I might have had until he was the only thing I could think of.
He had the gall to text me the other day. I still cannot understand it. I had deleted his number from my phone, blocked him on Facebook, and had moved on. I really felt like he was far behind me and that I was finally over him and the damage he did to me. But then I got the text. I didn't know that it was from him at first, because I'd deleted his number, but of course, my phone had saved our text history, so when I opened the text in the message center, I was able to deduce that it was him. And my heart stopped. And my mind raced. And I shrunk away from it with apprehension and alarm. Why was he texting me? Why? He had made it so clear to me that he would never want to date me. I had made it so clear to him that I would never want to be "just friends" with him. We burned the bridges and I honestly have ZERO interest in rebuilding them. I don't want him in my life. Ever.
But he texted me a link to an Arrested Development meme. This one, to be exact:
Seems innocent enough, right? But here's the deal: Arrested Development used to be a thing for us, back when we were dating. We'd flirt through AD quotes, we'd watch it together frequently, and honestly, AD showed me that we had similar senses of humor - which is SO nice! - and that we found the same types of things to be funny. That's something that's important to me. The fact that he shared this with me NOW, after all that has transpired between us...well...it seems kind of like a slap in the face. I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it, but it's reopening all of the wounds that had just healed. It's like, "hey, I know this used to be something that connected us, and I saw this, and thought of you, and I just wanted to remind you that I haven't forgotten about you or about us and what used to connect us." And obviously I'm over-thinking it, but what would YOU do when your ex texts you, showing that he took the time to think about you? Yes, it's a very VERY small thought about me, but he paused long enough to think, "she'll enjoy this," and took the time to type my name in and hit send. Small, so small, but like a small pebble cast into a lake, the waves that are caused by it are so large in comparison.
I didn't text back, I didn't respond, I didn't dignify it with an answer. He knows where I stand and him trying to be friendly to me is a lost cause. I know he has a girlfriend, and I know it's not me. I know it will never be me. And since that is true, then this, also, must be true: We cannot be friends. I cannot function on a friend level with him, nor on a romantic level anymore. He mistreated me, used me, cheapened me, and is trying to be cavalier about it all. I can't stand for that. And I won't allow him to mistreat me again. Silence is my defense, my prison, and my downfall, but I'd rather be silent than engage in a conversation that would only give me more things to freak out about. There's been enough drama between us; I'm finished.
This post's title came from this song:
Good Morning Heartache by Billie Holiday
In honor of Jazz Appreciation Month (which I just barely found out is in April), I am going to title all my posts after jazz songs. I love jazz. I especially love old jazz from the classic folks - like Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong and Billie Holiday. I love singing along and I can't wait for the day when I have a lover to croon to as we "dance around the kitchen in the refrigerator light" or something romantic like that.
Yeah, nothing is happening in the romance department. NOTHING. I am so bored by it. I need to be held and kissed. And preferably by The Perfect Specimen........but really. I just know that he would be a great kisser, with those luscious lips of his... And because he's so tall, I think that being hugged by him would be a great experience.
Oh, by the way, have I mentioned that I'm entranced by him? Like, undeniably attracted and entranced? I didn't want to be. I had no desire to be a part of his fan club. But as hard as I tried to keep him out of my head and out of my heart, I have found that The Perfect Specimen is a HUGE STEP UP from all of the other guys I have dated/been interested in. And that is a big contributing factor as to why I've fallen for him. He's gone to my head, so to speak (ike alcohol can go to someone's head and makes them drunk very quickly, he has gone to my head to make me lovestruck very quickly).
Everything that makes him a step up for me:
He is straight
He is attractive
He is intelligent, especially in matters of psychology
He is older than me
He is strong in the gospel
He is a worthy priesthood holder
He has served a mission
He is outgoing
He is friendly
He is confident
He knows what he wants from life
He is strong
He is quirky
He is funny
He truly does have serious opinions on things
He is a deep thinker, although he doesn't always show that side of himself
He is ambitious
The list goes on for miles. I hate that I'm acting like this and getting so caught up in a guy all because he took me on ONE casual friend-date. Oh my gosh, I am a teenager drama queen.
This post's title came from this song:
You Go To My Head by Louis Armstrong with Oscar Peterson
WHY doesn't Dave Franco have his own movie yet??? Someone needs to write a movie with him in mind as the protagonist!!!! I'm serious! This good looking guy is being underused! I mean, just LOOK at him!!!
He is downright dreamy, but he never plays the lead. Is he a bad actor??? Please, no!!!! Hollywood, just fix this already! Here, I've got a nice, vague, adaptable plot-line for a a movie starring Dave Franco as the protagonist:
Dave has some sort of personal struggle and has to learn more about himself for some reason or another. He gets the motivation to go on this quest of self-discovery because a beautiful and quirky girl says something brutally honest and incredibly profound. Duh, he asks her to accompany him on his quest, and duh, she says yes, because Dave is a total hottie, and she's not an IDIOT. And also because they are friends or whatever and intrigue each other and probably bring out the best in each other. So they go on this summertime adventure and lots of profound things are said and lots of romance blossoms. Oh, and there's probably something dark from his past that is threatening to overtake their happiness as a couple, but which they conquer together, like an ex-girlfriend, or maybe his dead dad who turned out not to be dead, or.......WAIT.
Or a total plot change: Maybe Dave and this girl had just started spending time together and somehow, they accidentally got tangled up with some criminals who are about to pull off an elaborate heist/drug sale/assassination (take your pick) and they told the police everything, so the criminals are chasing them and the police can't do anything to help them, and Dave's shirt probably gets burned off his body during some explosion that was supposed to kill him and his new girlfriend, but which instead just did us all a favor and allowed us to see Dave without his shirt while his miraculously unharmed girlfriend tends to his burn wounds, which is obviously going to evolve into a hot make-out scene where we forget that Dave was ever burned in the first place.
Wait. I got sidetracked. But it doesn't really matter. Just write him a movie and let him star in it! I submit that if we get to see Dave smoldering on the silver screen for longer than 30 seconds at a time, it is well worth our $8.00 to see the film. And I'll see it again. And again. And then buy the DVD. Hollywood is missing out on a huge opportunity!
This movie needs lots of cool filmography, probably showcasing him and the girl at a county fair (Ferris Wheel and cotton candy being requisite), a southern barbecue, an outdoor dance lit with little white lights, a beautiful lake with a picturesque dock that they jump off of into the water, them buying and slowly sipping fresh lemonade from the kids' stand down the street... just the perfect fun summer. A film that perfectly captures the carefree youthful feeling that comes from falling in love...and shows how love triumphs and can solve problems. Okay, yes. I realize that I just described a Nicholas Sparks film. So what? Dave would be perfect in one of those.
In short: We need more Dave Franco in our life ASAP.
This post's title came from this song:
She Looks So Perfect by 5 Seconds of Summer
This has been the craziest week! I don't think I've ever been this busy and frantic at my current job. It was tough. I think I learned some things about myself. Observe:
1. I work really well under pressure. It takes me less time (because I have less time), but the result of my work is just as good as - if not better than - my work when I'm not on a time crunch or in a panic.
2. I like to be in control. I will follow someone else's lead if I have to, but I like taking initiative because that means that things will be MY way. Due to my logic and attention to detail, my way is usually a really. good. way. to do things.
3. I want people to listen to me and realize my words and ideas have value. We did an event this week at work, which is why it was so crazy, and I swear, the people running the event (an appointed committee separate from us) had no clue what they were doing. When I gave them suggestions, they blew them off without a second thought. It drove me mad! I'm young, I have a degree and knowledge, I can look at things in a fresh way, and my input has value, damn it! If only they'd listened to me, they might have avoided a couple of hectic situations.
4. I've never fully recovered from my burnt-out-broken-down phase of life. A combination of school, work, church, and drama with boys took a huge toll on me a couple of years ago...and I didn't realize till this week, but I am still recuperating from this. I thought I was whole and healed, but I'm not. My fragile mental state and exhaustion let me see a more raw picture of myself, and underneath my layers of ambition and "better for it all" attitude, I still have trust issues, I still don't want to obtain more schooling, I still have work to do on my testimony, and I still can't fully apply myself to a task at work because more than 50% of me just wants a vacation. Sometimes I just want to quit so I can have a permanent vacation, but my logic keeps me going, 8:00 - 5:00, Monday through Friday, knowing there are bills to pay, things to buy, and laziness to avoid.
But I need a break. I need a break so badly.
So I'm going home. Just for the weekend. I haven't told anyone, because I want this to be all MINE. No sharing plans with coworkers or church peers or roommates or crushes or ANYONE. If it's all mine, then it's all for me, for my good, and no one can ruin it with their words, ideas, or wanting to tag along. It might be selfish, but I've been selfless enough. I need this.
I'm coming home.
This post's title came from this song:
Coming Home by Butch Walker
So a couple of weekends ago, I was drinking a Jones Soda and this was the message under the lid:
"A certain someone will appear who could enhance your life."
Yep. Ever since then, I've been on the lookout for someone to come into my life and enhance it. I guess that was a really passive approach, and since nothing was happening, I just stopped thinking about it. Till I found the lid in my purse a couple days later and decided to display it at my desk at work with a couple of positive fortunes I've gotten from fortune cookies (they say "A thrilling time is in your immediate future" and "You will find good fortune in love."). I decided there was no harm in putting these positive statements in a place where I will see them often. If you see it and read it every day, you will start to believe it. That's the theory, anyway. So what the heck, right?
Since then, I have made two new AMAZING friends. And although they are both girls, I DO feel like they have enhanced my life already with the limited amount that I know them. It's been so refreshing to make new friends, although I was nervous at first. But as soon as we started talking, the connection was there - we were on the same page, and we shared the same beliefs and viewpoints on so many things. It was nuts how much I felt like these two girls were old friends, rather than new. It was a blessing, and I think that the positive affirmation from Jones Soda helped me to stop feeling so sorry for myself and start looking for opportunities to connect with other people again.
Now, I just need to open myself up to the love connection possibilities. If I'm being honest, it truly scares me almost to death, the thought of putting my heart out there again. I am a sensitive individual and I feel things so deeply. Being hurt and allowing myself to truly feel the subsequent emotions has made me cautious where love is concerned. It's easier to NOT love others, to NOT let yourself get invested in a guy who may not return your ardor. But it's not fulfilling either, being on this torturous middle ground where I don't feel happy and don't feel sad. Loving someone makes you feel elated. Being hurt makes you feel despondent and destroyed. But putting myself in a bubble where I neither love nor feel pain makes me feel...stagnant and sterile.
I need to take a chance and have a little faith that good things will happen.
This post's title came from this song:
A Good Day (Morning Song) by Priscilla Ahn
Do you ever get nostalgic for the way things used to be? I love the concept of nostalgia...for some reason it just has a dreamy romantic feel to it - people hungering for something that once brought them joy, yet knowing that hunger will never be satisfied. It's sad, but sweet somehow.
I have tried to train myself to not get caught up in my nostalgia, but there are times when I just want to indulge; just sit back and reminisce about the way things used to be, the love I used to feel, the fun I used to have.
I found myself thinking about my old boyfriends lately. I had the thought, "I don't know if I'll ever stop loving The First!" That thought kind of freaked me out, so I quickly quelled it, but now that I'm in a sentimental mood, I'm going to make a list of a few of the reasons I loved him. Sentimental reasons, if you will.
1. He was smart. I LOVE intelligent men with whom I can have a stimulating conversation.
2. He was tall. Tall men make me feel more feminine, and I love feeling feminine.
3. He was kind. Kindness is hugely underrated, but so so important! His kindness set the bar for my expectations for future men.
4. He was tender to me. Gentle touches, sweet whispered compliments and he didn't feel the need to be tough and unfeeling around me.
5. He was a good conversationalist. He was a good listener and always had something thought-provoking to add to the conversation. He didn't interrupt and he asked questions when he didn't understand what I was trying to say. There were very few communication barriers.
6. He was my first boyfriend. The first one teaches you how to love, teaches you what a relationship is, and lays the groundwork for so many of your future relationships. In my case, the majority of my first relationship was really fulfilling and happy, so I can look back fondly on it. He will always hold a piece of my heart.
One last thought on relationships: I think in our first relationship, we give more of ourselves, more of our hearts, because we don't fully understand how painful breakups can be when you give so much of yourself to the other person. So we love fully and unashamedly, because we can't possibly anticipate the pain that comes at the end. When (or if) the relationship comes to an end, we experience how painful it is to have this person exit our lives. More than likely, the two of you were extremely close and shared a fairly deep connection, and losing that connection causes you to experience something akin to the withdrawals that recovering drug addicts experience when they try to stop using addictive drugs. Why? Because you were addicted to the hormones dopamine and oxytocin which are released when two people have positive interactions with each other. Some refer to oxytocin as "the bonding hormone," because when one person does something and it elicits a positive response from the other person, oxytocin is released and the person feels more attached to the other. It causes deep emotional bonding and, along with dopamine and a few other hormones (aka endorphins), feelings of happiness. So when the breakup happens, you no longer get your oxytocin, dopamine, and endorphin dosage, which causes real chemical imbalances until your body gets used to the much lower levels of these hormones. And so you feel sadness and lonliness. Until you experience that breakup and that withdrawal, you have no inclination to guard yourself from feeling that pain, and thus, you love more fully and completely.
If only we could give ourselves as we did the first time around!
This post's title came from this song:
(I Love You) For Sentimental Reasons
The era of The Perfect Specimen continues, and in the silliest of ways.
Thoughts on the date with him, now that it's in the past and over: It was...Intoxicating. Pleasant. Friendly. Comfortable. Intelligent. Disarming. Perfect.
I don't want to be, but I might be smitten with him. Wow. The guy has such an amazing mind. Isn't is downright ridiculous that of all his traits, this - HIS BRAIN - is what's most attractive to me? Not his perfectly tanned skin. Not his dimples and perfect white-toothed smile. Not his dark, curly, stylishly cut hair. Not his impeccable taste in clothing. Not his astounding height, his boyish laugh, or his expressive eyes. Nope. None of that can top his intelligence. He is incredibly well-read and is knowledgeable about so many subjects. But the clincher, for me, was how much he knew about psychology. To be more specific, how much he knew about the psychology of communication and interaction between men and women - which is my favorite kind of psychology. We had a good hour-long conversation on just that topic alone. Agh, it was fascinating.
I'm logical. Usually. But I'm letting my mind run wild on this one. It's just been such a long time since I've had a date, and for it to be so smooth...well that was completely unexpected. I know - I KNOW - it was a casual date, with no implications and I KNOW that probably nothing will come of it. But I can't stop myself. It was a good date! We all need more of those! But here's why I'm out of control: It's restored my faith in the whole dating game. Dates don't have to be high-pressure. They don't have to be extravagant. They don't have to mean anything. And once we remember all that, we can relax and be ourselves and just enjoy the night. Which is exactly what happened on my date. I was myself - my analytic, psychology-loving, open, wounded self. I didn't lie about anything...and I'd like to think that he didn't either (it was Real Talk! 100% honesty required!). And it ended up being a perfectly enjoyable time.
He opened my eyes to things I want to do so that I can be a better person, a more successful version of myself - he wasn't telling me to do these things, he was just sharing personal anecdotes, and I found them to be extremely applicable to my own life. Here's what I gathered through the night that I want to apply in my own life:
1. When you say you'll do something, do it. Be a person of your word. Commit and don't make others wonder if you were sincere in your commitment. You shouldn't have to say, "I promise" for someone to know you'll do something. Just saying it should be good enough.
2. Don't be a passive participant in the dating game. Don't just sit and wait for something to happen, for someone to ask you out. Be an actively involved by simply being friendly to EVERYONE. When you are in a social setting where there are a lot of people present, make it a point to talk to everyone for just a few minutes - introduce yourself. Be genuine and listen carefully to what the other person has to say. Why is this so important? Because other guys will notice me being friendly and warm and it will boost their confidence; if I am kind to an awkward person (specifically another guy), they will draw the conclusion that "If she's that friendly to THAT guy, she'll probably be friendly to me." And they will be right. And friendship is a good place to start if you want to be asked out.
3. More on getting asked out: If you want to get asked out, don't go everywhere in a cluster of girls. That's intimidating for guys. If you're at a party and you come with girls, break away at some point to go talk to someone across the room. They guy can catch you in transit while you are alone. Create opportunities for him to talk to you while you're alone - he'll be more comfortable and more likely to ask you out if he knows he's not being judged and critiqued by all the other ladies you're with.
4. Good things come from negative things. I knew this already, but in our conversation, it seemed to hit home with me again. When a negative situation arises, look for ways to come through it a stronger and better person. It's about conquering and winning, not complaining and whining your way through life.
5. Stop logic-ing myself out of things. The Perfect Specimen said that he is discontent because he is not dating anyone. I asked him what his game plan was to cure this. He said a few things, but the one that stuck out the most was that he wants to give girls more of a chance. He said that when he meets a girl, he immediately starts coming up with reasons why it would never work out if they were to attempt dating each other. He logics himself out of it so that he can walk away without wondering "What if...?" He said that now, he is giving girls more chances and trying to experiment and find out through trial and error whether it will or won't work out. I thought this was really profound, because I find myself doing the same thing, because I don't want to get hurt, put in too much effort, or look like a fool. But part of falling in love and dating someone is being vulnerable, taking the chance that it might not work out when you put your heart on the line, and letting your heart have a little more say than your brain.
The conversation was enriching for me. I didn't realize that I was craving the simple connection of an honest conversation, but once I was granted it, my eyes were opened. Interactions like that make me feel more energized, and I am still astounded that this guy was the one whom with I had such a fulfilling interaction and conversation. To be perfectly candid, I didn't think he was capable of such a conversation.
I don't think that he will be asking me out again, but I would love it if he did. Maybe I am logic-ing myself out of this, which I know I don't want to do... So I guess I'll play the friendly card and see what happens in the future.
This post's title came from this song:
When Can I See You Again? by Owl City
What do you do if a boy calls you and you know he is calling to ask you out? I bet you answer the phone and use your most entrancing feminine voice as you coyly accept his offer.
What do I do when a boy calls me to ask me out? I stare at the phone in disbelief for a few moments, then quickly set the phone down and walk out of the room without answering it.
Okay, I might not do this every time, but when The Perfect Specimen calls me, I do. Yes. He called me last Wednesday night, and yes, I walked away from my ringing phone. Even his name on my phone screen makes me squirm with anxiety and apprehension.
Let's back up for a sec. I really thought after that last excruciatingly awkward telephone conversation we had, that the date was never going to happen. He was so SKETCHY about it on the phone, and then he barely talked to me for the next three weeks afterwards...so what was I supposed to think? I'll tell you one thing, though: While most girls would be disappointed, I was actually hugely relieved that the date wasn't spoken of or taking shape in any way. I'm not good enough for this guy and I'm not comfortable around him. A date with him would make me feel even more insecure and would really force me out of my beloved comfort zone.
And that is why I abandoned my phone when he called me. I was too nervous to speak. I was too frightened to say yes and too intrigued to say no.
So I let him leave me a voicemail. "Hey, Jessica. This is the Perfect Specimen. I'm calling because I'm trying to see what your availability is to go on this date. So, uh...just call me back."
And of course, I HAD to call him back...so I walked around my house for a while and watched a few minutes of the TV show 'Psych' to give myself some time to rally some courage, and then I called him back.
Our conversation went a little something like this:
Him: "Hi, Jessica. I take it you got the message I left for you?"
Me: "Yeah, I did."
Him: "So... I guess we should figure out a time that works for both of us? Wait. Did you even say yes to going on this date? I don't know if you ever even gave me a yes." (very observant. I had only given him a vauge and sarcastic answer because I thought it was all a joke.)
Me: "I gave you a solid maybe, actually."
Him: "Well I'm going to take that as a yes."
Me: "Yeah, okay. I think that we could confirm me as a yes at this point."
Him: "Haha okay, yeah. Well I'm going to give you two options here."
Me (apprehensively): "Okaaaaay..."
Him: "So we can either do a mini date or a full date. If we do a mini date, it could be sometime in the next couple of weeks, but if we do a full date, then it will have to wait until next month."
Me (trying to be coy and not wanting to sound desperate for a date): "Okay, so what will each one entail? Because I want to make a well-informed decision based on the content of each one" (or something equally nerdy like that)
Him: "So a mini date would be shorter, obviously, so I was thinking we could try a new dessert place or something and then maybe do a real walk, real talk type of thing. For the full date, it would be more traditional, like dinner and then some sort of activity afterward."
Me: "All right...well can we have a little real talk right now?"
Him: "Yeah, of course. I always like real talk."
Me: "Well I'm really nervous about going on this date, because I haven't been asked out in a long time, and I just don't really know what to do. So maybe we can just keep it simple and do a mini date? Plus, I really love the real walk, real talk thing, so I'd like to do that, regardless of whatever else we do." (hopefully implying in all this jabber that it's less pressure to do a mini date)
Him: "Yeah, you don't have to be nervous though. We can definitely do real walk, real talk..."
And then the conversation disintegrated into finding a day that works for both of us, and WHY it was so difficult, I don't understand. But it has been set. We are going out on March 19th. Mini date. Hopefully I can keep my nerves under control and not act like some desperate/crazy spinster lady.
This post's title came from this song:
I Can't Lie by Maroon 5
I think I've discovered the way to capture a man's heart. No, really. DISNEY SHOWED ME THE WAY. It is all about the EYES. If you use them right, the man is yours. So. Let's make a fun list to share what I've learned.
From Disney's Robin Hood (1973)
We all remember the scene where Robin and Marian meander through the romantic Sherwood Forest. Remember how she looks at him? Remember how she bats those eyelashes? Remember how he asks her to marry him? This vixen knew what to do and how to entrance him.
From Disney's The Jungle Book (1967)
The water girl. Does she have a name? Is her voice too mature for her? Is she better at flirting than I am even though she is AT LEAST 12 years my junior? Are these questions getting worse and worse? Yes. But the fact of the matter is: she may be 10 years old (or younger!), but she knows that batting her eyelashes casually will get her what she wants: a wild and scantily clad wolf/boy/child. He forsakes his WHOLE life for her, all because she wordlessly beckoned with her eyes and eyelashes. She's so talented.
Duchess was a classy lady cat. She was beautiful and charming, and luckily for her, she had amazingsapphire blue eyes that were not so much meant for seeing things as they were meant to entrance the opposite sex. Remember that scene where O'Malley just stares at her eyes and they're all sparkly...and then she slowly and seductively bats her eyelashes??? Yeah, I remember that too. And just. like. that. O'Malley was hers forever. Are you starting to see the pattern here?
Oh Cinderella. That girl knew what was UP! She batted those eyes at everyone! And she mastered the slow blink, which is basically the same thing, which I'm pretty sure got her the beautiful dress...from her fairy godmother...who is a WOMAN. Those eyes, though. They can make miracles happen (or dreams come true, as it were).
BOOM. Got a dress.
BOOM. Got a prince.
What is the moral of the story, then? What, in summation, has Disney taught me?
BAT. YOUR. EYES. Do it every chance you get. Practice in the mirror. Practice on your friends. Practice on your ex, if you must. Flutter those eyelashes with every ounce of feminine power you possess and soon enough, you'll have the man of your dreams...and everything else you ever wanted. I'm pretty sure that's the subliminal message Disney was trying to send me.
This post's title came from this song:
Just the Way You Are/Just a Dream as performed in Pitch Perfect
(Original songs by Bruno Mars and Nelly, respectively)
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