I started thinking about The Extrovert though, towards the end. He crept into my thoughts like fog - almost unnoticeable at first, but quickly obscuring any other thought that I might have had until he was the only thing I could think of.
He had the gall to text me the other day. I still cannot understand it. I had deleted his number from my phone, blocked him on Facebook, and had moved on. I really felt like he was far behind me and that I was finally over him and the damage he did to me. But then I got the text. I didn't know that it was from him at first, because I'd deleted his number, but of course, my phone had saved our text history, so when I opened the text in the message center, I was able to deduce that it was him. And my heart stopped. And my mind raced. And I shrunk away from it with apprehension and alarm. Why was he texting me? Why? He had made it so clear to me that he would never want to date me. I had made it so clear to him that I would never want to be "just friends" with him. We burned the bridges and I honestly have ZERO interest in rebuilding them. I don't want him in my life. Ever.
But he texted me a link to an Arrested Development meme. This one, to be exact:
Seems innocent enough, right? But here's the deal: Arrested Development used to be a thing for us, back when we were dating. We'd flirt through AD quotes, we'd watch it together frequently, and honestly, AD showed me that we had similar senses of humor - which is SO nice! - and that we found the same types of things to be funny. That's something that's important to me. The fact that he shared this with me NOW, after all that has transpired between us...well...it seems kind of like a slap in the face. I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it, but it's reopening all of the wounds that had just healed. It's like, "hey, I know this used to be something that connected us, and I saw this, and thought of you, and I just wanted to remind you that I haven't forgotten about you or about us and what used to connect us." And obviously I'm over-thinking it, but what would YOU do when your ex texts you, showing that he took the time to think about you? Yes, it's a very VERY small thought about me, but he paused long enough to think, "she'll enjoy this," and took the time to type my name in and hit send. Small, so small, but like a small pebble cast into a lake, the waves that are caused by it are so large in comparison.
I didn't text back, I didn't respond, I didn't dignify it with an answer. He knows where I stand and him trying to be friendly to me is a lost cause. I know he has a girlfriend, and I know it's not me. I know it will never be me. And since that is true, then this, also, must be true: We cannot be friends. I cannot function on a friend level with him, nor on a romantic level anymore. He mistreated me, used me, cheapened me, and is trying to be cavalier about it all. I can't stand for that. And I won't allow him to mistreat me again. Silence is my defense, my prison, and my downfall, but I'd rather be silent than engage in a conversation that would only give me more things to freak out about. There's been enough drama between us; I'm finished.
This post's title came from this song:
Good Morning Heartache by Billie Holiday
No comments:
Post a Comment