Say Anything, But Say What You Mean

Lying.  One of the most destructive things that we can do.  Yet we all do it.  I had a little run in with some pretty detrimental lies the other night.  I am kind of upset about it still, even though it really shouldn't be as big of a deal as I am making it.

Why couldn't we just be truthful?  Why do we feel the need to filter and give half-truths and hold back our real selves?  Why can't people just accept us for who we are?  Maybe it is because we don't know who we are, and in the process of figuring it out, we are trying to self-preserve via façades and such.  But here's the deal:  I need truth and honesty.  I was being honest that night, and it was not well-received.  And then, in return, I got something that may or may not be true.  And what really bothers me is that if you care enough about someone, you want to be honest with them...that's why I was trying to be honest...but obviously, I don't quite make the cut on the other end.  I seriously need to extricate myself from these ridiculous situations that I keep getting into.

Types of lies:

• The jokey one where you end up with a hilarious prank afterwards
• The one where you preserve someone's blissful ignorance for just a little longer
• The outright one where you deny your true feelings on a matter
• The deceitful one where you purposely want to keep someone in the dark regarding a serious matter that should be brought to light
• The "I'm fine" one you tell your ex-boyfriend when you hang out post-breakup for the first time and find it to be pretty emotionally draining
• The unspoken one where you cover up your wrongful actions by just never talking about it or bringing it up

There are plenty more types of lies, but why delve into them?  There's millions of ways to deceive people, but I don't want to be like that.  I want honesty to reign supreme!  I want that to pay off someday!  I want people to appreciate my honesty and not throw it hatefully back in my face.  And remember the 13th Article of Faith...?  "We believe in being honest, true..."  And so I intend to be, regardless of the consequences.


This post's title came from this song:
Suspension by Mae

All Over Again

Sometimes I am dumb.  Here is a list of reasons why I should let the boy go (I already broke up with him, but mentally and emotionally releasing him is proving to be a real challenge.  Blah!).  Ready?

• He told me that blogs are graffiti with punctuation after I confessed this blog to him
• He does not value the church or the gospel the way I do or as much as I do...or if he does, he does not really show it.
• He has a shady past - which I know that forgiveness is real and important, but there are certain things that people bring with them, no matter what...and some of those things he brings would truly be detrimental to a functioning and healthy relationship
• I feel like he rarely hears what I am telling him...this seems to be a problem for both of us...
• He accused me of not listening to him, even though I have spent a great deal of time staying up through the night into the early hours of the morning with him, just talking through his issues and trials.  He said, "I never know if what I say to you is just going to fall through the cracks."  I took that one really hard; it felt very cruel to me, especially since I lost so much sleep to be with him and help him...and he basically brushed all the effort, time, and the selflessness that it took for me to forgo what was best for me (sleep, so that I could function in school and at work) aside.
• He doesn't ask about major things that I've told him I will be dealing with - like tests, events at work, trips I take...  I feel like that is him saying my life is unimportant to him.
• When I asked him why he was drawn to me, the answers were not the reasons I was hoping for - I want him to be drawn to my light, my testimony, my happiness, my crazy silly streak...I don't know.  He liked me because we had fun dance parties together and because I was beautiful (which, I wish he would have told me when he thought I looked nice...), and those are really the only reasons that I can remember.  Isn't that just sad?
• I never felt like I could be COMPLETELY open and honest with him, especially when it came to expressing my needs.  I just let most of my needs go unmet, because I was afraid to voice them to him; I knew he would reject me and deny me.

I don't really want to think of all the other reasons.  Why am I lisitng this out?  Because I am trying to convince myself to stay clear of him.  We went to a talent show the other night together - he sang and I played the piano for him - and at the end of the night, he dropped me off and gave me a hug...and I held on for just a moment too long to have it be a platonic and neutral hug.  He's wondering what's going on, and so am I.  I was sure I was over it, ready to let go...but not quite yet.  So we begin the "flirt, no we can't date, flirt, date, breakup" cycle all over again...unless my logic can win out this time.



The post's title came from this song:
All Over Again by Big Time Rush

But What If I Need You...?

Ashley Tisdale sings a song called "What If" and I have to say that right about now I am in awe of how well she nailed the way I'm feeling.  Observe the lyrics:

"What if I need you, baby?  Would you even try to save me?  Or would you find some lame excuse to never be true?  What if I said I loved you?  Would you be the one to run to?  Or would you watch me walk away without a fight?  What if I need you?"

So in the very beginning, I told the boy straight up that I was afraid of needing him too much.  To which he replied, "Jess.  Did you ever think that maybe I need you too?"  Which I hadn't thought of.  But now...now I find myself in this place where I need him too much, and he can't meet my needs, and I can't meet his, and the relationship is terminated anyways, so we can't even TRY to meet each other's needs anymore anyways.  It's ultra ruhtarded.  Too much need in one relationship, I guess.  And the other lyrics are semi-applicable, but I don't want to write a novel about that right now.  I just feel NEEDY today and I wish that there was someone I could turn to who could fulfill all the needs I'm experiencing right now!  I need (or think I need): a hug, a passion-filled kiss, an assurance that I am beautiful and NOT a fatty-fatty-no-friends, a good long cuddle sesh, a night out on the town whilst looking incredibly glamorous, a long chat, and someone to hold me tight.

I admit it!  I am missing the relationship!  And the boy, too.  I am in the post-breakup slump.  The singles' slump.  It won't last forever - because being single can be fun sometimes! - but it is here and has been lingering all day.  BLAH!!!  Gotta shake this!



This post's title came from this song:
What If by Ashley Tisdale

I Can't Tell What Kind of Life I've Led Today

Ever get the feeling that you're in a stagnant state of being?  I'm feeling that way today.  I go on Facebook today (probably my first mistake) and see all these pictures and posts of my friends getting married, engaged, and graduating from college.  I'm thinking..."Wow.  How boring and unproductive am I?"  I am officially in a stagnant and BORING stage of life.  I feel like I am busy ALL THE TIME...but with what???  I seriously cannot even answer that question!

Maybe I'll take this summer to do NOTHING.  Stop being busy.  Find some time to really prioritize.

You know, I've been joking with my friends that I am going to spend the summer as a social recluse.  But sadly, it's not REALLY a joke.  All of my friends are moving away and going off being productive this summer - doing internships, traveling to cool places for their job, greeting their returned missionaries and probably becoming engaged (THE ENGAGEMENTS NEVER END!!!!!!!!!), going on missions, doing summer school, working in research labs, etc. etc. etc.  And I am going to....????????  Yes.  Sit in my room and watch telenovelas and eat countless boxes of Mike & Ikes.  And go to work, let's not forget my great job at ASU - I really do like it, but it's not prepping me for my desired career.............  Anyways.  Part of me is actually quite looking forward to being freed from social obligations.  Because yes, I often do see them as obligations, rather than opportunities.  But at the same time, I am immensely sad and disgusted with what my life will be.  It's this weird love/hate thing I've got going on.

And today, I feel like my life is trés pathetic with no foreseeable remedy.

Oh.  Did I mention that I went through with it and broke up with the boy?  I did.  And it was sad.  And I cried A LOT.  And he took it so well and was SO nice and swore to me we'd still be friends.  And I want to be his friend.  I also want to believe that I left him better than I found him...but I don't think that I did that.  And that is what bothers me the most.  That is probably one of the biggest contributors to my lack of self-esteem and this negative life review moment that I'm having.

Oh relationships!  How you vex me!



This post's title came from this song:
Ha Ha by Mates of State