For Sentimental Reasons

Do you ever get nostalgic for the way things used to be?  I love the concept of nostalgia...for some reason it just has a dreamy romantic feel to it - people hungering for something that once brought them joy, yet knowing that hunger will never be satisfied.  It's sad, but sweet somehow.

I have tried to train myself to not get caught up in my nostalgia, but there are times when I just want to indulge; just sit back and reminisce about the way things used to be, the love I used to feel, the fun I used to have.

I found myself thinking about my old boyfriends lately.  I had the thought, "I don't know if I'll ever stop loving The First!"  That thought kind of freaked me out, so I quickly quelled it, but now that I'm in a sentimental mood, I'm going to make a list of a few of the reasons I loved him.  Sentimental reasons, if you will.

1. He was smart.  I LOVE intelligent men with whom I can have a stimulating conversation.

2. He was tall.  Tall men make me feel more feminine, and I love feeling feminine.

3. He was kind.  Kindness is hugely underrated, but so so important!  His kindness set the bar for my expectations for future men.

4. He was tender to me.  Gentle touches, sweet whispered compliments and he didn't feel the need to be tough and unfeeling around me.

5. He was a good conversationalist.  He was a good listener and always had something thought-provoking to add to the conversation.  He didn't interrupt and he asked questions when he didn't understand what I was trying to say.  There were very few communication barriers.

6. He was my first boyfriend.  The first one teaches you how to love, teaches you what a relationship is, and lays the groundwork for so many of your future relationships.  In my case, the majority of my first relationship was really fulfilling and happy, so I can look back fondly on it.  He will always hold a piece of my heart.  

One last thought on relationships: I think in our first relationship, we give more of ourselves, more of our hearts, because we don't fully understand how painful breakups can be when you give so much of yourself to the other person.  So we love fully and unashamedly, because we can't possibly anticipate the pain that comes at the end.  When (or if) the relationship comes to an end, we experience how painful it is to have this person exit our lives.  More than likely, the two of you were extremely close and shared a fairly deep connection, and losing that connection causes you to experience something akin to the withdrawals that recovering drug addicts experience when they try to stop using addictive drugs.  Why?  Because you were addicted to the hormones dopamine and oxytocin which are released when two people have positive interactions with each other.  Some refer to oxytocin as "the bonding hormone," because when one person does something and it elicits a positive response from the other person, oxytocin is released and the person feels more attached to the other.  It causes deep emotional bonding and, along with dopamine and a few other hormones (aka endorphins), feelings of happiness.  So when the breakup happens, you no longer get your oxytocin, dopamine, and endorphin dosage, which causes real chemical imbalances until your body gets used to the much lower levels of these hormones.  And so you feel sadness and lonliness.  Until you experience that breakup and that withdrawal, you have no inclination to guard yourself from feeling that pain, and thus, you love more fully and completely.

If only we could give ourselves as we did the first time around!

This post's title came from this song:
(I Love You) For Sentimental Reasons

When Can We Do This Again?

The era of The Perfect Specimen continues, and in the silliest of ways.

Thoughts on the date with him, now that it's in the past and over: It was...Intoxicating.  Pleasant.  Friendly.  Comfortable.  Intelligent.  Disarming.  Perfect.

I don't want to be, but I might be smitten with him.  Wow.  The guy has such an amazing mind.  Isn't is downright ridiculous that of all his traits, this - HIS BRAIN - is what's most attractive to me?  Not his perfectly tanned skin.  Not his dimples and perfect white-toothed smile.  Not his dark, curly, stylishly cut hair.  Not his impeccable taste in clothing.  Not his astounding height, his boyish laugh, or his expressive eyes.  Nope.  None of that can top his intelligence.  He is incredibly well-read and is knowledgeable about so many subjects.  But the clincher, for me, was how much he knew about psychology.  To be more specific, how much he knew about the psychology of communication and interaction between men and women - which is my favorite kind of psychology.  We had a good hour-long conversation on just that topic alone.  Agh, it was fascinating.

I'm logical.  Usually.  But I'm letting my mind run wild on this one.  It's just been such a long time since I've had a date, and for it to be so smooth...well that was completely unexpected.  I know - I KNOW - it was a casual date, with no implications and I KNOW that probably nothing will come of it.  But I can't stop myself.  It was a good date!  We all need more of those!  But here's why I'm out of control: It's restored my faith in the whole dating game.  Dates don't have to be high-pressure.  They don't have to be extravagant.  They don't have to mean anything.  And once we remember all that, we can relax and be ourselves and just enjoy the night.  Which is exactly what happened on my date.  I was myself - my analytic, psychology-loving, open, wounded self.  I didn't lie about anything...and I'd like to think that he didn't either (it was Real Talk! 100% honesty required!).  And it ended up being a perfectly enjoyable time.

He opened my eyes to things I want to do so that I can be a better person, a more successful version of myself - he wasn't telling me to do these things, he was just sharing personal anecdotes, and I found them to be extremely applicable to my own life.  Here's what I gathered through the night that I want to apply in my own life:

1. When you say you'll do something, do it.  Be a person of your word.  Commit and don't make others wonder if you were sincere in your commitment.  You shouldn't have to say, "I promise" for someone to know you'll do something.  Just saying it should be good enough.

2. Don't be a passive participant in the dating game.  Don't just sit and wait for something to happen, for someone to ask you out.  Be an actively involved by simply being friendly to EVERYONE.  When you are in a social setting where there are a lot of people present, make it a point to talk to everyone for just a few minutes - introduce yourself.  Be genuine and listen carefully to what the other person has to say.  Why is this so important?  Because other guys will notice me being friendly and warm and it will boost their confidence; if I am kind to an awkward person (specifically another guy), they will draw the conclusion that "If she's that friendly to THAT guy, she'll probably be friendly to me."  And they will be right.  And friendship is a good place to start if you want to be asked out.

3. More on getting asked out: If you want to get asked out, don't go everywhere in a cluster of girls.  That's intimidating for guys.  If you're at a party and you come with girls, break away at some point to go talk to someone across the room.  They guy can catch you in transit while you are alone.  Create opportunities for him to talk to you while you're alone - he'll be more comfortable and more likely to ask you out if he knows he's not being judged and critiqued by all the other ladies you're with.

4. Good things come from negative things.  I knew this already, but in our conversation, it seemed to hit home with me again.  When a negative situation arises, look for ways to come through it a stronger and better person.  It's about conquering and winning, not complaining and whining your way through life.

5. Stop logic-ing myself out of things. The Perfect Specimen said that he is discontent because he is not dating anyone.  I asked him what his game plan was to cure this.  He said a few things, but the one that stuck out the most was that he wants to give girls more of a chance.  He said that when he meets a girl, he immediately starts coming up with reasons why it would never work out if they were to attempt dating each other.  He logics himself out of it so that he can walk away without wondering "What if...?"  He said that now, he is giving girls more chances and trying to experiment and find out through trial and error whether it will or won't work out.  I thought this was really profound, because I find myself doing the same thing, because I don't want to get hurt, put in too much effort, or look like a fool.  But part of falling in love and dating someone is being vulnerable, taking the chance that it might not work out when you put your heart on the line, and letting your heart have a little more say than your brain.

The conversation was enriching for me.  I didn't realize that I was craving the simple connection of an honest conversation, but once I was granted it, my eyes were opened.  Interactions like that make me feel more energized, and I am still astounded that this guy was the one whom with I had such a fulfilling interaction and conversation. To be perfectly candid, I didn't think he was capable of such a conversation.

I don't think that he will be asking me out again, but I would love it if he did.  Maybe I am logic-ing myself out of this, which I know I don't want to do...  So I guess I'll play the friendly card and see what happens in the future.


This post's title came from this song:
When Can I See You Again? by Owl City

I Can't Lie. You're On My Mind.

What do you do if a boy calls you and you know he is calling to ask you out?  I bet you answer the phone and use your most entrancing feminine voice as you coyly accept his offer.

What do I do when a boy calls me to ask me out?  I stare at the phone in disbelief for a few moments, then quickly set the phone down and walk out of the room without answering it.

Okay, I might not do this every time, but when The Perfect Specimen calls me, I do.  Yes.  He called me last Wednesday night, and yes, I walked away from my ringing phone.  Even his name on my phone screen makes me squirm with anxiety and apprehension.

Let's back up for a sec.  I really thought after that last excruciatingly awkward telephone conversation we had, that the date was never going to happen.  He was so SKETCHY about it on the phone, and then he barely talked to me for the next three weeks afterwards...so what was I supposed to think? I'll tell you one thing, though: While most girls would be disappointed, I was actually hugely relieved that the date wasn't spoken of or taking shape in any way.  I'm not good enough for this guy and I'm not comfortable around him.  A date with him would make me feel even more insecure and would really force me out of my beloved comfort zone.

And that is why I abandoned my phone when he called me.  I was too nervous to speak.  I was too frightened to say yes and too intrigued to say no.

So I let him leave me a voicemail.  "Hey, Jessica.  This is the Perfect Specimen.  I'm calling because I'm trying to see what your availability is to go on this date.  So, uh...just call me back."

And of course, I HAD to call him back...so I walked around my house for a while and watched a few minutes of the TV show 'Psych' to give myself some time to rally some courage, and then I called him back.

Our conversation went a little something like this:
Him: "Hi, Jessica.  I take it you got the message I left for you?"
Me: "Yeah, I did."
Him: "So... I guess we should figure out a time that works for both of us?  Wait.  Did you even say yes to going on this date?  I don't know if you ever even gave me a yes."  (very observant.  I had only given him a vauge and sarcastic answer because I thought it was all a joke.)
Me: "I gave you a solid maybe, actually."
Him: "Well I'm going to take that as a yes."
Me: "Yeah, okay.  I think that we could confirm me as a yes at this point."
Him: "Haha okay, yeah.  Well I'm going to give you two options here."
Me (apprehensively): "Okaaaaay..."
Him: "So we can either do a mini date or a full date.  If we do a mini date, it could be sometime in the next couple of weeks, but if we do a full date, then it will have to wait until next month."
Me (trying to be coy and not wanting to sound desperate for a date): "Okay, so what will each one entail?  Because I want to make a well-informed decision based on the content of each one" (or something equally nerdy like that)
Him: "So a mini date would be shorter, obviously, so I was thinking we could try a new dessert place or something and then maybe do a real walk, real talk type of thing.  For the full date, it would be more traditional, like dinner and then some sort of activity afterward."
Me: "All right...well can we have a little real talk right now?"
Him: "Yeah, of course.  I always like real talk."
Me: "Well I'm really nervous about going on this date, because I haven't been asked out in a long time, and I just don't really know what to do.  So maybe we can just keep it simple and do a mini date?  Plus, I really love the real walk, real talk thing, so I'd like to do that, regardless of whatever else we do." (hopefully implying in all this jabber that it's less pressure to do a mini date)
Him: "Yeah, you don't have to be nervous though.  We can definitely do real walk, real talk..."

And then the conversation disintegrated into finding a day that works for both of us, and WHY it was so difficult, I don't understand.  But it has been set.  We are going out on March 19th.  Mini date.  Hopefully I can keep my nerves under control and not act like some desperate/crazy spinster lady.



This post's title came from this song:
I Can't Lie by Maroon 5