It's Just Too Much To Never Wake Up

I had a moment of legitimate panic the other night. I was genuinely afraid that I was going to die in my sleep. I was afraid to close my eyes. I was afraid that I might not ever open them again. I couldn't breathe and my heart was fluttering madly and I sat upright in my bed instead of lying down, because I thought it would be over if I lay down and closed my eyes.

I have never been afraid of death. I've never given it much thought, actually. I know it's a part of life and that we will all die someday, somehow. I believe that when I die, there is a heaven. So why was I so scared that I might die that night?

I've been thinking about it and analyzing myself...

My music is still inside me, I think. I have a lot to offer, and I am not offering it to anyone, any cause, any person, any career, etc. I haven't done anything that I want to yet. For some reason, I keep thinking that sometime, somewhere down the road, I will live out my dreams and accomplish all that I desire, all that I am capable of. But I am not doing anything today to make those dreams happen. And I think that a big part of the fear and panic I felt was connected to this.

Another reason I was afraid is that I realized with sudden acute awareness that if I were to die, no one would find me or realize anything was wrong. My roommate and I have different schedules, and we rarely see each other, even though we share a room. On a typical day, I wake up and leave for work before she wakes up, and I am asleep by the time she gets home and goes to bed. So if I had died in my bed, she probably would have thought I was just taking a sick day, and when she got home that night, she would have thought that I was asleep just like normal. After a few days of this, she would probably realize something was wrong, probably due to my rotting corpse. But I don't think she'd notice right away, and that really scared me, that I don't have anyone in my life to sort of...keep an eye on me. I don't have a boyfriend, or a husband, who is concerned about me and my well-being. And while that may sound old-fashioned, and while some of you may argue that a best friend can check up on you just as well as a boyfriend or husband could, I finally awoke to the realization that I DO NOT WANT TO BE SINGLE ANYMORE.

This was a news flash to me. I've been single for three years now. And I've learned to love it and embrace it and I've become numb and  I've trained myself to ignore the loneliness of it. I'm fine, really!

But that night, I realized that deep down, I want a man who loves me, who watches out for me, who wants what's best for me, and with whom I can build a life, woven together in love, laughter, friendship, and trust. I want someone to come home to every night, someone to talk about my day with, someone to make dinner for, someone who will sample my new recipes, someone who I can watch out for and serve and love with my whole heart. I want a family. Starting with a wonderful husband.

"I'm too young to die," I remember thinking that night, knowing, even as I thought the words, how cliche I was being. But I haven't experienced very much, especially in the realm of love, and I want that before I leave this life. Although it may not happen, I want it. I also want to do things, accomplish goals, make something of myself, become better, smarter, kinder, more loving, more serviceable, and more friendly and Christlike before I leave this life.

"It's just too much to never wake up..." and realize in the afterlife that I wasted my time on earth. I need to make the life I want, instead of waiting for life to happen.



The title of this post came from this song:
Wait, Wait, Wait by the Format