I'm generally kind. I'm usually politically correct. I'm often thought of as reserved.
But this is a look at the inner recesses of my complex mind. I won't hold back on this blog. Because as someone once told me, blogs are virtual graffiti, and no one ever said that graffiti has to be proper or right. So I'm embracing that insult. Enjoy the wild view.
I think I've discovered the way to capture a man's heart. No, really. DISNEY SHOWED ME THE WAY. It is all about the EYES. If you use them right, the man is yours. So. Let's make a fun list to share what I've learned.
From Disney's Robin Hood (1973)
We all remember the scene where Robin and Marian meander through the romantic Sherwood Forest. Remember how she looks at him? Remember how she bats those eyelashes? Remember how he asks her to marry him? This vixen knew what to do and how to entrance him.
From Disney's The Jungle Book (1967)
The water girl. Does she have a name? Is her voice too mature for her? Is she better at flirting than I am even though she is AT LEAST 12 years my junior? Are these questions getting worse and worse? Yes. But the fact of the matter is: she may be 10 years old (or younger!), but she knows that batting her eyelashes casually will get her what she wants: a wild and scantily clad wolf/boy/child. He forsakes his WHOLE life for her, all because she wordlessly beckoned with her eyes and eyelashes. She's so talented.
Duchess was a classy lady cat. She was beautiful and charming, and luckily for her, she had amazingsapphire blue eyes that were not so much meant for seeing things as they were meant to entrance the opposite sex. Remember that scene where O'Malley just stares at her eyes and they're all sparkly...and then she slowly and seductively bats her eyelashes??? Yeah, I remember that too. And just. like. that. O'Malley was hers forever. Are you starting to see the pattern here?
Oh Cinderella. That girl knew what was UP! She batted those eyes at everyone! And she mastered the slow blink, which is basically the same thing, which I'm pretty sure got her the beautiful dress...from her fairy godmother...who is a WOMAN. Those eyes, though. They can make miracles happen (or dreams come true, as it were).
BOOM. Got a dress.
BOOM. Got a prince.
What is the moral of the story, then? What, in summation, has Disney taught me?
BAT. YOUR. EYES. Do it every chance you get. Practice in the mirror. Practice on your friends. Practice on your ex, if you must. Flutter those eyelashes with every ounce of feminine power you possess and soon enough, you'll have the man of your dreams...and everything else you ever wanted. I'm pretty sure that's the subliminal message Disney was trying to send me.
This post's title came from this song:
Just the Way You Are/Just a Dream as performed in Pitch Perfect
(Original songs by Bruno Mars and Nelly, respectively)
I'm practically gagging while I'm typing this...but let's talk about The Perfect Specimen again. Because I am clearly insane and masochistic, and I won't be able to move on until this thing blows over completely...and until it DOES blow over, I may as well dissect it and over-analyze it and be a COMPLETELY CRAZY PSYCHO about it. Right? RIGHT????
Last night, I decided to go to a dessert night that one of my friends was hosting. I have been feeling very anti-social lately, but this was a friend who I don't really hang out with very much, and she is really shy, so I felt like I should support her. Anyway, I rode with my roommate, and the topic of The Perfect Specimen came up, because one of my other friends had just dropped by briefly to get the update on the whole story regarding him and me. So my roommate asked me what was going on and I couldn't lie...nor did I really want to, because she is friends with him, and I felt like she might have something of value to say where he is concerned.
I confessed that he had called me to remind me that he knows he needs to take me on a date. She was intrigued that he had called me...but then related that a few nights earlier, he had mentioned, "I still need to take Jessica on a date." So she wasn't totally in the dark. And then she goes, "I'm going to text him and ask him if he's asked you out yet." I let her...because I'm curious about how that conversation will go. Does he really intend to ask me out? Is it really going to happen?
And more importantly, if it does, what in the world am I going to say to him? I saw him at the party last night and I could barely form a cohesive sentence around him! It is DIFFICULT trying to talk to a Greek god-esqe type man, okay?
Here's a little secret: Sometimes, in order to have people like you, you have to change things about yourself. It sucks, but it's true. Also. Not really a secret, but for some reason, there are people in my life who act like it is, and who act like they haven't been let in on the secret. It bothers me. This little unpleasant fact should be well known! Gah! I'm so frustrated!
Backstory: There's this kid I know, and for the sake of this story, we'll call him Ken. Ken is severely depressed. He is overweight. He is gay.........ahem...is struggling with Same Sex Attraction (SSA). Three things no one likes per se. However, it is not these three things that cause people to distance themselves from him. It is his mannerisms. He speaks in French when no one in the room understands French (and he knows we don't - he's trying to be superior). He constantly corrects people. He is bossy. He refuses to listen to others. He has a lot of book smarts - lots of definitions and knowledge about the technicalities of various things - and he always tries to one-up people with his knowledge base.
Ken is CLUELESS. For real. And today he tried to complain to me. And he was a little drama queen (no surprise there) and texted me these twisted half-truths, saying that he'd been told he wasn't welcome in the ward due to his struggle with SSA. I shot down his lies and called him out on several things, and then tried to offer helpful advice, which he WOULD NOT accept. If he'd just listen to me and change a few of his mannerisms, people wouldn't find him so repulsive! But he's hell-bent on the idea that people don't like him because of his SSA situation. Which is not true. People may be weirded out by it (especially in the church), but they're not hateful people. I know almost every one of them personally, and that's not who they are.
Ken, however, is a drama queen and a pain to deal with and he is going to catastrophize EVERY. LITTLE. THING. And here's the real secret: Sometimes I want to shout tips in his face and SHAKE him until he understands that some things (certain mannerisms, comments, and attitudes) are NOT socially acceptable and would he just cool it on those already????
People are always changing. We have to change to be accepted by certain people. It can be a good thing, although there's usually a negative stigma associated with changing who you are. But think about it: if someone stops smoking and drinking and starts coming to church, they will find a support network and friends who are good influences. If a man stops being so effeminate, other men will feel more comfortable hanging out with him and may be more accepting of him. If a woman stops maliciously gossiping, other women will feel more safe around her and may be more friendly to her.
Change really CAN be good. I just wish Ken could see that.
This post's title came from this song:
Do You Want to Know A Secret? by the Beatles
Let me preface this post by saying how irritated I am that the Perfect Specimen's name is in so many of my blog posts lately. I'm so over this era. But this era is not over me. Apparently.
Here's the latest:
Last night, while two friends and I were enjoying Chinese food and good conversation, I received a call from The Perfect Specimen.
Did I rudely answer the phone without leaving the table? Yes. Did I proceed to have yet another awkward conversation with him? Of course I did. Was I completely baffled after the fact? Duh. Let me tell you how the convo went, approximately:
Jessica: Well, hello. How are you, Perfect Specimen?
Him: Hi, I'm good. How are you?
Jessica: I'm good too. So what's up?
Him: Well I just was calling because I wanted to let you know that I had a reminder in my calender that reminded me we need to go on a date, because I promised - well not exactly promised, but my words, I try to be truthful and be as good as my word - anyway...I told you we should go on a date and I just wanted to call you to let you know that I haven't forgotten that I said that and that I haven't forgotten that we need to go. I've just been really busy and my schedule is really crazy and I just wanted you to know that I wasn't blowing it off; I just haven't found the time for it yet. And this week is kind of crazy too, and the only time that I could potentially do it would be on a weeknight between 8:00 and 10:00, but I know that's kind of late, and I'm not sure what your schedule is like or what works for you. But let me look at my calendar again...yeah, that's just not going to work...this is so crazy...I've just got a lot going on... But what times work for you?
(Seriously, he must have babbled on in this same vein - without any interruption from me - for a solid 90 seconds)
Jessica: Well I get off of work every day at 5, and I'm usually pretty free. Except for Wednesdays, because I have institute. But other than that...
Him: Well what time do you usually go to bed?
Jessica: I try to go to bed by 11:00 or 11:30 at the latest...(cringing that I might sound like a grandma with my set bedtime, but that is LATE for someone who has to be to work at 8:00 a.m., okay?)
Him: Well...let me just consult my calendar [insert more calendar babblings here, with a conclusion that it didn't look good]
Jessica: And it depends on what you want to do, too, you know...
Him: Yeah. Well let me just consult my calendar some more and let you know when I figure something out. Okay?
Jessica: Sounds good, Perfect Specimen. Thanks for taking the time to call me.
Him: No problem. I just wanted you to know I hadn't forgotten.
Jessica: Thanks. That's very thoughtful. Well................have a good night.
Him: Yeah, thanks. You too.
Jessica: Bye.
Him: Yeah, bye.
And now I have to wonder if he's going to call me again and if the date is going to happen. Luckily, my friend last night - after I got off the phone - talked me down from my drama ledge, and said, "Jess, don't stress it. Just think of it as though you're setting aside time to get to know him better as a PERSON and a friend! It's doesn't have to be anything romantic or have any pressures attached to it!"
While I know she is right...I am still freaking out a little bit. For multiple reasons. But here is a hypothetical response that I came up with that encapsulates some of my feelings:
Look. I don't want to be an item on your "to-do" list. I don't want this "date" to be something that you feel like you have to check off of the list, something that you're obligated to do. I'll be honest: When you said, "Maybe we should go on a date," I heard an empty promise. I never expected you to actually ask me out, and I am not going to hold you to a few meaningless words. Clearly, your schedule is very full. It would be unfair of me to demand your time when it wasn't really on the menu in the first place. I don't need to be further humiliated by a pity date with the famed and perfect male specimen, [insert name here]. I appreciate what you're trying to do here, but I don't want to be some obligation you're trying to fulfill. Consider me checked off of your list.
I am filled with insecurities, and I know, in my heart of hearts, that I am not - nor will I ever be - good enough for him. I am not pretty enough, smart enough, or fun, wild, outgoing, or energetic enough. And being in his presence makes me nervous, because I know that I will make a fool of myself, and there's a good chance that he'll laugh at me and ridicule me once I'm gone.
He is a prankster. And his serious manner in this matter and his dedication to taking me on a date feels like the biggest and most hurtful prank of all.
What do I do?
This post's title came from this song:
Upside Down by A*Teens
(P.S. This might be one of the worst and cheesiest music videos ever. Blame it on the era of the early 2000s. LOL)
