I'm generally kind. I'm usually politically correct. I'm often thought of as reserved.
But this is a look at the inner recesses of my complex mind. I won't hold back on this blog. Because as someone once told me, blogs are virtual graffiti, and no one ever said that graffiti has to be proper or right. So I'm embracing that insult. Enjoy the wild view.
So let me vent about this: After someone who meant a lot to me leaves my life, and they go and put all of these pictures of themselves doing fun things up on Facebook, I always think, "Oh goody for you. Look at the great time you are having...without me. Look how happy you are...without me. I don't need you either!" Only slight sarcasm. But I just don't take pictures of myself having a great time and put them up on FB. Partly becuase I never remember to take pictures until AFTER the fact. And partly because my idea of a great time (during my initial recovery stage, you know, post-loss) is doing crafts, or baking, or taking leisurely walks, or reading my favorite books, or practicing my musical talents...and how would that look if I just took a bunch of pictures of myself doing all these kind of humdrum things? Wacky. That's how it would look. And also sad and desperate. And no one likes to be around depressed people who are just dying for someone to validate them. So I validate myself! And a good (although probably catty) way for me to do that is to say to those people (in my head, of course) "'Pictures only prove you can't convince.' And if you have to post bunches of pictures of yourself doing all these great things, then you are insecure with where you are at. Me? I am so stable, secure, and fine with where I'm at in my life, that I don't even feel the need to publicly document it. Eat your heart out." Isn't this silly and juvenille? And also not true?
I admit it! Here on this silly blog, this silly wall of virtual graffiti as it was once insensitively termed, I admit that I want to have pictures of myself doing fun things with really cool people. But more than pictures, I want the EXPERIENCES. And getting to a point where I feel confident enough to seek out those experiences is a really tough endeavor. When people leave me, I feel sad, and I always question my worth as a person, thinking "I must be very easy to leave behind. People are never sad to leave me." Of course, this is a fallacy. I mean, come on, the Extrovert cried with me when we said goodbye for the last time. Crying is a big deal for guys, and I felt like he loved me just as much as I loved him. It was difficult for both of us. So I obviously need to stop catastrophizing and just tell myself that I have worth. Because I do. But just trying to build my self-esteem back up is quite a process, is the point. And that's the stage that I'm in right now - finding my self-confidence again and making it work for me. And good riddance to all of those people who left me behind without a second thought. They don't deserve me.
This post's title comes from this song:
Inches and Falling by the Format
Why does it seem like all the people that I love and who are dear to me always leave my life, and the people who I don't get along with (and don't really like) seem to weasel themselves into every aspect of my life??? This is NOT FAIR! I mean, this girl from my past - who was flakey, spineless, timid, and overall just boring as hell - has come up twice in random ways over the past few weeks. As in, she is the ex-girlfriend of someone who multiple people think would be a good match for me (but I'm thinking, how could we ever be a good match??? He has terrible taste in women!), and now, one of the boys that I'm very drawn to and whom I spend a good deal of time with (or at least we did in the past, back before studying for the LSAT took over his spring semester) just let me know that she is his co-counselor at EFY. Gag me. And I know he wanted me to be excited about that, but I was just like (in my head, of course), "Good luck not getting BORED TO DEATH this week!" And also, what if she ensnares him using her feminine wiles (because maybe she's not boring to the opposite sex)! Then she'll be all I hear about from him, and she'll prob be here in the picture, and I'll have to deal with her in person. Ruh-tarded. Oh wow. Just look at how my mind blew that one out of proportion. That's called catastrophizing. I've been known to do it frequently. Went into therapy for having negative thought patterns like that - they lead to depression. Oh geez. I don't want to be depressed again. I just want to be HAPPY!!! Can't all of these distasteful people just stay out of my life? Why does it have to be such a horrible small world?????
This post's title came from this song (obvious though it may seem):
It's a Small World from the Disneyland Ride
So tonight I'm missing my missionary. You know...the post about missionaries and how waiting for them to come home is so difficult and sometimes so sad? Yeah, that was about him. The Extrovert, as I will hereafter call him. What a kid. We had a two week whirlwind romance after being good friends for 2 years. And then he left on his mission, just as things were starting to click in a romantic way for us. Blah. And tonight, my voicemail reminded me that I need to clean out my box by playing some possible messages I could delete - among them were two from him that I kept specifically so that I could replay them and listen to his voice. And I know that this is incredibly sappy...but I totally listened to them both multiple times tonight, just so I could feel close to him again. I miss him SO much. But he still has 10 months left of his mission. And there is no guarantee that things will even happen between us once he is home. And he and I are not very good at writing letters to each other...I wrote him a few and then I got a 3 page letter entirely in SPANISH. Thank you so much (sarcasm, okay?). I love that I heard from him. I hate that I had to have help translating it. It made it so much less intimate. Which maybe was the point. But I love his voice. I love his hands and I can still see them in my mind's eye (maybe a weird thing to love, but his hands were so capable of work and calloused, yet gentle and tender with me). I love how he makes everything feel like an adventure and how it's always fun with him. I love how he led out and asked me on the dates, and asked if we could do scripture study together, and how he was so unafraid to be the male - a TRUE, stereotypical, dominant male - in the relationship. I love that he loved the Lord, the gospel, and the church so much that he gave up two years of his life, devoting that time to spreading and sharing what he loved. I love that he always made me feel precious and beautiful, overlooking my physical flaws and tenderly helping me correct my personality flaws I was working on. I love how he couldn't wait to see me each day. I love that he wanted me just as much as I wanted him. Or at least that's the way it seemed. Now I just don't know. I want so much to have a shot with him again. I want to be with him. And hearing his voice again tonight just made me want that so much more. Will I always love this boy? Or will this, too, pass? And more importantly, will he ever love me back?
This post's title comes from this song:
Always Love by Nada Surf
People make mistakes. They can be mean, heartless, dumb, clueless, careless, selfish, etc. But they're experiencing life and trying to handle it the best they can. It doesn't always mean that they do a good job of it. But they have their agency and therefore, they have the opportunity to CHOOSE what they do and how they act (and react). And sometimes they choose something that ends up being a mistake. Hopefully they're learning from it. And hopefully I am too.
I have a friend, let's call him The Lawyer (he's studying to be a lawyer), and he hates raisins and cucumbers. He said that they ruin all the food they touch - as in, if there's a raisin is in a cinnamon roll, you can pick it out, but the roll will still taste raisiny. Or if you have a sub sandwich with cucumbers, you can get rid of the cucumbers, but the taste of them lingers on.
Gay boys don't enjoy heterosexual physicality like straight boys do. What a giant, "DUH!" moment. But they are desensitized and immune to the light and inquisitive feminine caresses. The normal and natural styles of physical touch that belong to each sex usually compliment one another (i.e., men like the smooth light traces of women's hands on them, and women enjoy the hard ruggedness of men's bodies and how they are a bit more forceful in their handling of her). This is not so when you are dealing with a homosexual boy. Perhaps it is not so in straight boys either, but I've yet to encounter a situation that backs that up.
Going running every morning has a very small impact on weight loss. It does, however, help boost metabolism and helps to get endorphins (the feel good hormones) flowing.
Sometimes even the best of us are just going through the motions. We all have times where we are just trying to cope and make it through the day. Going through the motions isn't an invitation to judge or think less of people and their motives, it's an opportunity for us to reach out and connect with our fellow human beings, make sure they're ok, and offer some selfless service. And if I'm the one who's just going through the motions, I know now, that the sensation will pass if I make the gospel my #1 priority.
Spraying soapy water on the soil of your indoor plants will get rid of any pesky gnats.
If you have a piece of jewlery that is turning your skin green, just paint a clear coat of nail polish over it to solve the problem!
I dislike people who act like they're 12 when they are really 25...maybe it has something to do with their constant seeking for attention, which is usually just so OBNOXIOUS.
The Dougie is more complex than they let on, but I'm totally going to get it.
I am oblivious to subtle flirtatious cues. Or perhaps, because I always speak and interact in a rather flirtatious manner, I'm just so used to them that I can't pick up on them or discern them any more. Nah. I think I'm just oblivious. And while ignorance generally is bliss...sometimes I wish I'd be a little quicker on the uptake and make something happen...because there might be even greater bliss on that flip side.
Making lists is actually one of my favorite things to do. So I'm going to share one of my many lists with you.
Fun/Romantic things to do in the summertime:
Run through sprinklers
Make popsicles (and then eat them!)
Draw with sidewalk chalk - leave fun messages all over your friends' driveways!
Play ultimate frisbee in the evenings (great group date!)
Have a water balloon fight
Have a water gun fight
Make smoothies; put them in pretty goblets, put a drink umbrella in them, use fun colored straws; have a contest to see who can make the most delicious smoothie
Go swimming (it can be in a lake, a pool, a river, WHATEVER!)
Have a barbeque; make it a potluck sort of deal to cut down on costs
Take a camping trip to someplace in the mountains (where it's not so hot). Go with your family or with your friends - but make sure it's not ONLY you and your significant other, because then, you're just asking for trouble!
Go fishing
Eat watermelon on your front porch, then have a seed-spitting contest - who can get their seed to go the farthest?
Jump on the trampoline with a sprinkler on underneath
Watch your favorite movie from your childhood
Make a music video that involves dancing and splashing around in fountains (remember Hilary and Haylie Duff's "Our Lips Are Sealed" vid?). Add laundry detergent if you feel brave.
Go to a baseball game
Go to a carnival
Watch Phineas and Ferb - the ultimate summer show! Also, it's hilarious. :)
If you live in a relatively rural area, lay on a trampoline and look at the stars at night
If you live in the city, find a hill or mountain or tall building, go up to the top, and then check out all the night lights
