Screaming Without Lungs

What does a scream without lungs even sound like?  I am certain it is just a silent breakdown.  Which is what I am having.  I don't want to involve anyone - I hate needing people.  I think that I hate the thought that people might perceive me as NEEDY.  What a stigma to bear!  Nobody likes a clingy, needy, emotional wreck!  And I have been SUPER emotional these last few days.  I just feel overwhelmed - everything is hitting me so hard right now, and with such urgency (or maybe I just make things seem like they are urgent).  And so now, because I don't want to involve anyone, I am having a mostly silent breakdown.  I shared with my roommate a little bit of what is going on.  And I shared some other aspects with one of my close guy friends.  But the thing is - a lot of this breakdown is kind of heavily tied up in this guy friend.

See, here's the thing:  He just confided in me and it turned out to be a bit overwhelming.  And so I want to be there for him with all of the hardships and trials that he is going through, but I don't even know what to do to help him.  I can't help a person if they are not willing to help themselves, which, unfortunately, is the case with this guy.  And me, being the emotional wreck that I am, I couldn't have really rendered him much help even if he DID want to accept my help and help himself (I can barely help my own self to function, you know?).  I am held hostage by the feeling that it must be ME who helps him through all of the hard things and listens to his despair for hours...but I need to be free to be happy.  I can't let his problems take over my life and drag me down!  I am already dealing with a lot of my own stuff, so when we talk, it ends up being sort of a "Here's all the negative things that are happening" conversation, and that's not helping either one of us!  Basically, we can't help lift each other because we are both too caught up in our problems.  And we need to be around people who will help us see the good and who will lift us up and inspire us to do great things and see the positive.

Everything seems to be hitting me so hard and I'm dealing with the emotional problems of several people and I'm having a hard time wanting to let anyone help me handle all of the tasks I need to accomplish.  I know that I can't do everything on my own though, and so realizing that and reaching out for help is a complete necessity.  I know that I can make the effort to overcome my fear of being stigmatized.  And I know that most people understand what it is like to need help.  So I am just going to make the leap for it and stop holding everything in and let people help me if they can.  And if I turn out to be too much for them, that is ok, because somewhere out there, there are people who WILL be able to help as much as I need them to...and someday I may be able to meet the great needs of others.



This post's title came from this song:
Lonely Nation by Switchfoot

As For Me, It's Nothing New - Just Another Two Years

Let's delve into a topic that is troubling and unsettling - waiting for a missionary.  For any girl who belongs to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, you know what I'm referring to.  Maybe you didn't ever send a missionary out, but you knew someone who did.

Why is this troubling to me?  Well for a couple of reasons.  First of all, I have to honestly admit that for pretty much my whole life I scorned girls who waited for missionaries.  I thought, "How dumb are you?  You're just going to sit around for two years and pine for him???  Get a life!  Move on!"  And then one day, I fell in love with a boy who was going to leave on his mission very shortly.  And now I find myself being one of the girls I had once termed "dumb."  Talk about identity crisis!  Geez!

So yes, I was just thinking about a boy I loved and how I actually knew that our relationship was going to end soon - he was going to serve a mission for our church for two years and we would only be allowed to write letters to one another - but how for just that moment in time, I didn't care what anyone said or did, as long as I was able to be with this boy for as long as we had.  We really only had a few weeks together.  And let's face it - pre-mission relationships are generally pretty tame.  So combine both of those facts and you get a girl who's harboring an unrequited and unfounded love.  And you also get a boy who has written her a total of two letters in ten months.  Can I really have meant ANYTHING to him?  I seriously think it was a figment of my imagination, the relationship I mean.

So this one is for all of my sisters (and I guess brothers too, if there are any of you) out there who have a missionary out right now.  It's hard and it's retarded.  But maybe, for some of you, it will be worth it.  Right now, I don't know if my missionary even thinks about me, let alone likes me!  Isn't that ultra ridiculous???  I mean, I'm glad he's so focused on the Lord's work, but I would kind of like to feel him tugging on the end of the line every so often, you know?  Also, I never know whether I should write him or not, and when I do write him, I have the hardest time filtering so that I don't sound super emotional/clingy/needy/love sick/desperate (whether I really am any of those things is another post for another time).  And I don't REALLY want to be a distraction to him.  But it's such a fine line between being supportive and being distracting!

Here's to sitting around wondering what will happen after the two years are up.  Here's to being uncertain and unsure and kind of lonely (because let's face it - no matter how much your friends let you talk about him and what transpired, you still miss him and feel lonely without him!).  Here's to trying your best to be a good girl and a supportive friend for TWO WHOLE YEARS.

And I'm sure this won't be the last you hear from me about this topic.  Do you know how many levels and facets are contained within it?  So ready yourselves for some lovesick rantings.


This post's title came from this song:
Sore Thumb by the Format

And So It Begins

You know the feeling you get when you watch those shows or movies where there is a love story?  That longing kind of feeling that makes you have a sort of ache inside?  An ache for that kind of love that could be so perfect and wonderful.  An ache for the kind of love that can overcome all of the trials and hardships that the couple has to endure so that they can finally be together.  An ache for the same sort of love that conquers all.  I know that I know the feeling.

Yes, I guess this is going to be another blog where a girl delves into the depths of love and life and making it through in one relatively sane piece.  But we're all trying to find it, this love.  And if we've found it, we want to hold onto it forever, right?  So besides having this be a venue for my rants and thoughts to reside, it will house theories and ideas for finding and holding onto love.  There has been so much research done on the subject of love and affection and human relationships, and frankly, it's fascinating.  But the ultimate goal is not just to research it, or read about it, or watch it happen to fictional characters on a movie or show...the goal is to find it for myself.  And once I've found it, I don't want it to ever go away.  So this blog is going to be my journey into the messy world of human relationships, with several jaunts into my somewhat complex past and my intricate and tangled present.  And hopefully, some of what I share can help you find what you are looking for too.



This post's title came from this song:
Countdown by Jupiter One