What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?

The new year is just around the corner and I'm ready for it.  I am.  I want to move on and start fresh and make this year amazing.  I have been setting goals for myself for the last few months, but with the new year, I want to indulge in the cliche practice of setting New Year's Resolutions.  I truly want to make myself into someone that I can respect, admire, and love.

I guess I feel more motivated than usual because I am starting a new job on January 2.  I see this as a "new year, new job, new me" type of situation.  I'm only slightly terrified.  I know I can do the work at this job, but  I guess I'm unsettled because it's more than just another regular old job; it is going to be a job that will help launch me into my real career: events planning and management.  I am growing up.  I am pursuing a career.  I am climbing the ladder here!  And even though I often still feel young and insecure, it is my time to grow up and be an adult.  And so it is also time for me to remake myself.

Now here's the juicy part of this post (as if you thought I'd let you get away without reading a speck of personal drama?):

I want to be kissed at midnight on New Year's Eve.  BUT.  I don't know anyone that I would want to kiss! And furthermore, I don't know of anyone who would want to kiss ME.  Honestly, that - right there - is a big part of why I want to remake myself.  I want to be desirable.  I want to be beautiful.  I want to be feminine and coy and craved by men.

Right now, this seems like an impossible dream.  I think I've lost faith in love...  I've lost my hope of finding someone who will be totally compatible with me.  I've known that men are mainly attracted to physical aspects of a woman, and since I don't fit the ideal physical bill, I also know that I will be denied their attentions and adoration.  This cynical attitude is something that I want to shed this year.  I want to become a beautiful, classy, and lovely woman, feminine and accomplished, without any jaded mindsets or sarcastic attitudes to detract from that beauty.  I want to become someone that I can love, really LOVE, and I kind of think that once I love myself, others might find me easier to love too.

So even though I don't think I'll be getting a New Year's kiss from a dreamy longed-for man, I will, at midnight, be kissing the old me goodbye and passionately embracing the new me that I'm going to become.  So it's not entirely loveless.  ;)



This post's title came from this song:
What Are You Doing New Year's Eve by Ella Fitzgerald

It Would Be So Fine to See Your Face at My Door

"You're so far away...doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?  ...Long ago I reached for you and there you stood.  Holding you again could only do me good."

Oh Carole King!  How well you know my sentiments!

So I spent what felt like an eternity pining after The Extrovert and then he rejected me and shoved me in the friend zone.  And while at least I know now that he will never want me, I am still sore over that fact.

I was watching a movie the other night, "Boys and Girls," you know, the one with the dreamy Freddie Prinze Jr.?  Yeah...  He was actually the only reason I invested my time into it.  Haha.  But there was a line in there that hit home so hard, I have to blog about it now.

When The Extrovert first came home and we had our little "reunion" or whatever you want to call it, I was ecstatic. It was a perfect night to me - the friendship was still there.  We could talk freely about whatever.  We were joking and laughing so much.  And the spark of chemistry was very much alive and well.  I loved the whole thing...and even though we got a little carried away in our passion, I still loved it all.  But he obviously felt very differently about it.  And the line I am obsessing over is: "Nothing will ever hurt me as much as your reaction to that same experience."  I loved it.  He hated it and wanted to put as much distance as possible between us.  And now he's far away.  On a different page, a different story entirely.  And although I tell myself I'm fine and I'm doing really well without him (which is actually usually pretty true these days), it still hurts that he had such a negative reaction to something that I found so beautiful and wonderful.

I often wish it wasn't ruined and that we could still be in one another's lives, still be in love, and still want each other.  But I guess the logical part of me knows that what happened between us is what was supposed to have happened.  And I need to learn to be okay with that.


This post's title came from this song:
So Far Away by Carole King