You're Still Written in the Scars of my Heart

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately.  A lot of nostalgic reminiscing.  A lot of wishful dreaming.  Things never really go how you plan!  I kind of hate that!  I like to make plans.  I feel more organized if I have a plan, and I generally feel more satisfied if the plan goes the way it should.  But plans and love don't really get along.  And let my little telénovela life be the proof!

"There's something 'bout love that breaks your heart..."  Thank you David Archuleta.  (Here's a link to the song).  I would have to concur with this statement.  When I love, I love deeply, and I am a broken woman now because of it.  I didn't think I was, and I don't want to be, but as I keep speculating, I keep realizing it is probably true.  I've got to explain about my past a little bit more so that you can get what I'm trying to say here.

Boyfriend #1 (aka The First) broke my heart.  I thought I was going to cry an OCEAN.  I have NEVER cried so much in my ENTIRE LIFE.  Boyfriend #2 (aka The Extrovert) used and cheapened me.  He made it seem like love at first, but towards the end, I saw through the charade he had so carefully crafted.  Boyfriend # 3 (aka The Singer) WAS GAY.  I seriously thought that all guys were gay after that.  Isn't that so retarded?  And here I am now.  Broken-hearted and a little jaded.

So I had a plan that The Extrovert would come back from his mission and we would spend a lot of time together as friends and he would see how funny and great I am and voilà!  He would love me forever.  I thought, "Okay, I'll keep it SUPER neutral and non-threatening, and it will be like old times, with us slowly falling for each other."  Except that I had already started falling.  I had been falling since right before he left on his mission.  And although my love was kind of on hold while he was gone, once he came back, so did every tender feeling I had for him.  And when he kissed me so deeply but then left me so lonely, I thought I was going to die.  It hurt SO MUCH!  How could he kiss me like that, hold me like that, touch me like that, and then walk away without a second thought?  IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE, PEOPLE!  So now my eyes have been opened.  He used me.  He was using me all along.  He doesn't want to believe that, and he won't admit that he really did use me, because he wants to believe that he is better than that.  But if he is, he has yet to prove it.  Way to ruin my lovely plan!  Way to mess things up!  Way to make me love you and then leave me lonely and sad!  I still love him, even after the careless way he treated me.  What a guy...

As for The First, I just can't let him go.  I KNOW we aren't compatible.  I KNOW things are awkward between us.  But something is driving me to make things between us good again, and I just can't let it go.  I want to be in his life so much.  I want him to think highly of me.  I want him to want to be around me.  I don't understand why I want all of this, but I can't get over it!

I'm broken.  These wounds of my heart are taking forever to heal.  These guys are written in the scars of my heart, embedded so deeply that I can't ever forget.  They will always have a space in my heart, and there are always going to be things that remind me of them.

I planned to be friends with The First.   I planned to have things go smoothly, without the slightest trace of awkwardness.  I planned to spend time with him and talk with him and have intelligent conversations again like we used to.  I planned to marry The Extrovert.  I planned for him to fall in love with me all over again and to treat me with respect and love.  I planned for us to be blissful and hilarious and happy and fun TOGETHER.  I planned for us to have a great romance that led to a wonderful marriage.  And now I have to accept that things really don't always go as planned.

This post's title came from this song:

Just Give Me a Reason by Pink ft. Nate Reuss

The Inside Lingo Had Me At "Hello"

Well, life keeps on going.  Time keeps on passing.  And the pain of the past becomes less fresh and more easily pushed away.  I'm learning to let go.  I'm not good at it, but I'm trying super hard to relinquish my grasp on the people that have already forgotten about me.  But how could they forget about me?  How could they push me out of their life so easily?  I just don't understand.  But despite my confusion and hurt, I'm attempting to move on and forget.

And sometimes it helps when your sister gives your phone number to a random guy you've never met before and he texts you immediately.  And then you spend the next few days in a continuing conversation with him, learning all about how he is INCREDIBLE and SUPER LEGIT.  But really.  This kid is amazing, but super modest and humble at the same time, which doesn't always happen.  Not many people can casually say they were in a band, they write, record and produce music, they studied recording engineering, and they gave it all up so that they could be less selfish and choose a path that would better benefit their future family.  But this guy did.  He did it so casually that I was totally out of my element.  He did it so coolly that  I'm entranced.  He had me at "hello"...or rather at the first text.  I mean, what guy do YOU know who would actually DO something with a random phone number they got from a random guy at church???  Exactly.  And he's so un-awkward about the whole thing that I'm even more impressed.  I, on the other hand, am acting like an awkward fool who maybe never graduated from Junior High.

The other night, our mutual friend threw a glow stick pool party.  At which we met in person.  And I was too afraid to talk much, because there is so much pressure from so many different people.  I want to be friendly and appear as interesting and amazing as he is.  I want to be friends and actually have things click.  And so we small talked a bit, but neither of us was as open, candid, or friendly as we are in text.  But I forged ahead and invited him to our party the next night.  He came and it ended up going great!  We were able to talk more that next evening and I introduced him to some of my friends (who are WAY more friendly than his friends, by the way!), and we just had a good, fun, relaxed time.

Now I'm stuck though, because we haven't seen each other for a while, but I want to keep in touch, I think.  I'm just not very good at texting conversations, but I think that has to be our mode of communication.  So I guess I had better figure this thing out before I mess it all up!


This post's title came from this song:
The Curse of Curves by Cute Is What We Aim For