Because here's the deal: I invited The First over last week to a little get-together a few friends and I were having. But it wasn't as smooth or as easy as I was hoping. Because DUH. He is my ex-boyfriend. He was my first boyfriend. He returned home from his mission a few months ago and when we saw each other unexpectedly, we both froze and had THE MOST AWKWARD two minute conversation ever, filled with lots of gaps and halting sentences. It makes me cringe even now, just thinking about it.
He and I have been texting periodically, and that seemed to be okay, which is how I found the courage to invite him to the get-together. But once he was there, I realized I no longer knew how to interact with him. I couldn't get over the fact that he actually accepted my invitation to come! Also, the fact that the only friends that didn't bail on the get-together happened to be a boy and a girl who were ENGAGED to each other made it feel like a double date of sorts... I kept freaking out thinking my ex would think that I had creepily orchestrated a sneaky double date. WHICH WAS NOT THE CASE, OKAY??? So he left a little early, and OF COURSE the other friends showed up as soon as he was gone. Oh good heavens...how do I get myself into these situations??????????
I don't know why, but I am seriously OBSESSED with making peace with this kid. I want things between us to be SO peachy...and I don't know how to make that happen, or even if I should.
Here's what I do know, though: It was SO nice to see him. I have missed him more than I would like to admit. I miss the intellectual conversations that we used to have. I miss how comfortable we used to be with each other. I miss how familiar he used to be to me. Now I don't know him or what he's about, and I cannot breach the gap and make things like they used to be. He feels like a stranger to me. And it is THE WORST.
This post's title came from this song:
We Might As Well Be Strangers by Keane
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