I Can't Make You Love Me If You Don't

So the two years are finally over.  The Extrovert came home.  He contacted me.  We texted everyday.  We arranged a time to see each other.  He came over to my house about a week after he'd been home.  We made cookies. We talked incessantly.  We laughed and laughed and it felt like I was finally getting a refill on something that was vital to my existence.  We took a walk and talked some more.  I was very careful to keep my distance from him, not wanting to push him into a physical realm where he felt uncomfortable.  So it was very surprising to me when he held my hand.  And then kissed me.  And then let things get incredibly heated.  Okay.  That was a shared responsibility.  So we crossed a line.  "We've made a huge mistake."

And he shut down and pulled away, trying to distance himself from the temptation.  I'm the temptation.  So he said that he can't be around me for a while.  He also said that he thinks it would be unwise for us to date.  Especially because he is enjoying his singles ward and making new friends.  He doesn't want to be tied down right now.  Especially to someone whom he loses control with when it comes to physical intimacy.  It's dangerous.  He's right.

The thing that is most difficult about this situation though, is that he WANTED to date me.  Before things got out of hand, he wanted to pursue a relationship with me.  But when he realized how easy it was for us to cross the line together, he balked.  He was frightened of what else might happen.

Isn't this the WORST???  I've missed him so much over the last two years, and now, just as we were about to BE something, I am stuck with missing him again.  And this time, it's not a circumstantial thing keeping us apart...it's his preference.  You'd think after two years of silence and absence I would be okay with more silence and absence.  But it is SO MUCH HARDER now, knowing that he's only 30 minutes away instead of thousands of miles and that he is ACTIVELY CHOOSING to be away from me.  It's a big slap in the face, actually.

I feel like I was used.  I feel like he took advantage of me so that he could "get some."  I feel sad that he doesn't want me for more than one night of passion.  I feel mad that he has no respect for me.  I feel upset because we seemed to be compatible, but he won't let us have a legitimate shot at things.  I feel mad that he is proving to be such a coward and that he ran away so quickly instead of stepping up like a man and figuring things out in a way that is respectful to me.  I feel frustrated that he doesn't have any desire to work things out with me so that we can try a relationship with safety boundaries.  I think it could be really good if we just both committed to TRY.  What?  Does he REALLY think that he won't be able to rein in his physical passions?  It MUST be different for boys than for girls, because I know I want to indulge my cravings, but I also know that I could set rules and make myself take a lap, take five, and cool it down to a respectable level when things got too heated.  Maybe boys don't possess that same ability?  But couldn't he develop that ability with work and practice?  Geez.  I sound SO DESPERATE!  I can't make him want me.  I can't make him change his mind.  I can't do anything in this situation.  He played his cards too perfectly and left me powerless.  He played on my emotions and a lot of what he said cannot be refuted because he linked it to spirituality and what FEELS right.  I can't argue with feelings.  He knew what he was doing, and I played right into his hands, desperate hopeless romantic that I am.



This post's title came from this song:
I Can't Make You Love Me by Bonnie Raitt