Up All Night, Like This

Oh One Direction.  How well you put into words the feelings of the young people!  They don't have a whole lot on their minds, other than having the most incredible time with their friends, finding a significant other (or at least a little loving for the moment), dancing like there's no tomorrow, and proclaiming their invincibility by staying up all night long.  Perfect.

I have to admit that when I heard this song, I longed for the days of my youth, when I was convinced that I was indestructible and I was certain that I would be young and vibrant FOREVER.  Surprise!  I've come to terms with reality and I feel like I am much older now, even though I'm only separated from their age group by a few years.  I love being in bed by 10:30.  I love having small group gatherings vs. the large party atmosphere.  I want to settle down and get some stability in my life.  I hate staying up all night now, but I remember my obsession with it two years ago.  I don't have as much fun at dance parties as I used to, but it was less than a year ago when I threw a raging dance party for my birthday.  What is happening to me?

I never thought I'd be the sort that was nostalgic for my high school days, but once in a while, I find myself wishing that i was my 17-year-old self and that I had infinite amounts of energy again and a giant group of friends and too many crushes to count and skyrocketing amounts of self-confidence.  Turns out, that today is one of those days.  One Direction, enjoy your all-nighters while you still can.  And while you're at it, enjoy them for me too, the girl who became a boring adult without even recognizing it.


This post's title came from this song:
Up All Night by One Direction

I Might Be OK, But I'm Not Fine At All

Tonight is a night for reminiscing.  I sometimes think that I should call this blog "Reminiscences and Nostalgia" because there's a lot of that going on here.  I just bought T. Swift's new album "Red" and haters can hate, but I am in love with it.  I think it's because of her lyrics - the way she phrases things just makes sense to me.  I can relate to everything that she's saying.  And I feel it in my heart...like literally, I am so caught up in my own memories that deal with the stuff she's talking about that I started crying while I listened to this album.  It was a little bit ridiculous.

I just can't let go of the past.  I have tried and tried to relinquish my grasp on the past and on the wonderful friendships and relationships of the past, but I always return to them.  They were happier and simpler times.  I was naïve and innocent and I trusted that people would love me and treat me with kindness, respect, and love.  I had hope that I would find true love.  I had hope that my friendships would stay golden forever.  I had an idea in my head of what my life would be like...

Now I'm a jaded little wreck.  I'm angry and I don't want to be.  I hate that I dated a kid who struggled with SSA, because I feel like he ruined me for me and ruined me for all the future potential relationships I could have.  I'm broken.  I'm mad at him for doing that to me.  I'm mad that people can fake affection and get away with it.  I'm mad that boys flirt with me so that they can win me over and then get to my roommates or friends through their connection with me.  I'm mad at girls who disobey the girl code.  I'm angry that people can be so mean to me and not feel a shred of remorse.  I'm mad that I can't be more assertive.  I wish I could stand up for myself and gracefully and kindly tell people that they can't treat me badly.  I am mad that boys think they can charm me into doing anything they want me to.  I'm angry that my advisors and instructors can be so clueless and get paid for it.

I wish that I could just be with my old friends and that we could all connect in the way that we used to. I wish that I could go back to my happy relationships and re-live that rush and excitement that comes only from a new relationship.  I wish I was truly fine and that I could make my present as satisfying as the past was.

"I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it."  I was better then.  I need to make myself into something that tops that old wonderful self.  I need to stop trying to recreate the past and make something of the present that is just as amazing.  I can't do that until I let myself fully be a part of what is going on RIGHT NOW.  I just have to do it.  And maybe then I'll be OK and fine.


This post's title came from this song:
All Too Well by Taylor Swift