Nothing Is Sound

So here's to a day filled with emotional breakdowns and tears.

Here's how it goes:  My friend - a really close and good friend - told me that he liked me.  I sat there in silence, because I never, NEVER saw it coming.  And I didn't know how to respond to him.  But I let him hold me.  And I liked it.  I think I liked the idea of a relationship.  But as I continued to think about it, I realized that I just didn't want to be in a relationship with him.  There are too many factors that I don't know if I could overlook and overcome...  I realize that I'm being extremely cryptic, but if I delve into any details, this will officially become a novel.  Suffice it to say that I like the idea of an "us" only because it would entitle me to receive physical perks - like kissing, which I have missed dearly for the last year.  It would also mean that I wouldn't have to spend any more evenings alone.  Which I sometimes need, but sometimes despise.  That is not fair to him.  That is me using him.  And also, I am kind of in the process of deciding whether I like this other boy, who, coincidentally, is his best friend.  So great.  I'm a tramp.  I'm officially a hot mess!

I want to talk to this friend so badly, but I am not in control of myself right now.  I told him last night that I couldn't be in a relationship with him and that I couldn't marry him.  I can't go crawling to him after I break him.  Yet he's the only one who I want to talk about it with - he's the only one who has been with me through the duration of us as friends or lovers or whatever and therefore, I think that he's the only one who I should be talking to this about.  But what would I even say?

So now it is a week and a half later than the above paragraphs...and I am doing much better.  No crying, anyway.  But I feel bad for breaking and hurting my friend.  We have continued to hang out.  And it has been mostly normal.  Except for when we hold hands.  And when hugs turn into lengthy and tender embraces.  I need to be in control!  I laid down rules.  I made the decision to not date him.  I can't just say one thing and act another way!

And let's add this fun detail: My friend kept asking me questions, trying to understand why I had made the decision I did.  He asked one question that just killed me.  He goes, "Does your decision to not date me have to do in any way, in any form, with your feelings for my BEST FRIEND?"  And I had to look at him and say, "Yes."  That was the worst thing ever.  I broke his heart again with my truthfulness.  He ran away from me after that confession, leaving me sitting on my front porch miserable and guilty.  But I felt like I owed him honesty.  I basically told him that he's known since the beginning that I have been exploring my feelings for his best friend.  And he has known that.  But it didn't make it any easier!  I DO care for this boy...but I can't love him with my whole heart if there's a piece of me wondering about his best friend.  Make sense?

I keep wondering how many times I will hurt him before it finally breaks him completely.  I want to pull away so that he WON'T break completely, but I am just selfish enough that I keep hanging on - I like his company, even though the dynamic between us is very complicated.  I need to let him go and live his life.  I can't have it both ways.  He is taking out another girl on a date tomorrow night.  I'm incredibly jealous.  I want him to spend time with me.  I have let myself grow to NEED him.  But I know that being with him is not going to make either one of us happy in the long run.  So I am caught in limbo - wanting him to find happiness and a girl who can love him best (I wanted to love him best, but I just couldn't.), but also wanting him to love me and be there for me, but also wanting us to just be friends because that is what is TRULY best for both of us.  It's very complicated and my feelings are kind of all over the place...changing from moment to moment.  Therefore, nothing is sound.



This post's title came from this song:
Happy is a Yuppie Word by Switchfoot

Party in the U.S.A.

Here's the real question: Famous people parties?  Not technically a question, but I've been wondering about them.  As in: If they play music, how do they not have arguments about whose music gets played?  I mean, what if Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato and Miley Cyrus are all at a party and they all want the DJ to play the songs they've worked so hard on?  Likewise with Usher and Chris Brown and Eminem...  I mean, I would assume that celebrities are mature enough to not fight about whose song gets played first, but you never know!  And so I'm sure that the DJ gets all sorts of drama like, "Why have you played 2 Miley Cyrus songs and none of mine?"  Or whatever (But what sane DJ would really play mostly Miley songs anyways?  Ha!).  And if your song does get played during the course of the evening, how WEIRD would that be?  You're just chilling, talking with your homies, or whatever, and then you're like, "Wait.  I think I recognize this voice!  Oh yeah, it's MINE!"  I don't know, I guess they do concerts all the time and have made CDs, so they obviously are used to the sound of their own voice...but do you think they ever pull out their own CD and just listen to it?  That just seems so weird to me!

And furthermore!  Watching a movie at a celebrity party - I'm just certain that it doesn't happen, because how do you decide whose movie to play?  Haha!  But really, don't you wonder if they even watch movies?  I don't really like watching videos of myself, but maybe if its scripted and you're all made up it changes things?  I really wonder how celebrity parties go...maybe this is why everyone is always drinking and doing drugs - to numb the pain of having their song played last or not getting to watch their own movie at the party.  HA!  I have no idea, but doesn't it make you wonder how they go???



This post's title came from this song:
Party in the U.S.A. by Miley Cyrus